There’s Sort of a Drinking Game in Here: A Below Deck Recap

Hi there friends.

Just as our favorite crew members took a day off last episode, so did I. I had quite the crazy trip in Miami, and I was beat. I also like how I am assuming people missed me, who am I kidding? Lol.

I got to chat with some yachties on South Beach one night, and they were very impressed with the questions I asked them #Winning. What can I say, I learn from the best. Hannah, when should I expect my epaulettes?

Moving on to what you came here for…the show. (Again, here’s me assuming people want to read what I write, hahaha).

It’s time for the ever detestable beach picnic! We knew this was coming, there’s always at least one per season. Let’s do a lil drinking game – shall we? Take a sippy sippy when the following happens:

  • The tent blows away
  • There is an issue with the timing of the food, or getting it onto the beach
  • We run out of some supply
  • There is an issue with the timing of the guests or getting them to the beach.

Here comes Kasey – just when I was starting to like her,  she not only questions whether or not Hannah has a hangover, but also proclaims that the charter is running a lot more smoothly without Hannah. Anxiety is no joke, babe. And FYIsies, the last time in Below Deck history a 3rd Stew was right about the amount of work she puts in was never. Have you watched any past seasons?

Also currently annoying me is this guest. He’s really going to milk the ever loving you-know-what out of this no onions thing, isn’t he? Chill sir – you were on an episode or two last season. The no onion hats were cute and kind of funny, but now it’s overkill. No one is here for your #15MinutesofFame. Also why would you want to be associated with a God awful smelling vegetable?

Can we talk about how wonderful and sensitive Adam has been in the past two episodes? I love seeing this side of him. You may argue that I love seeing any side of Adam, and that is definitely the case. But it is so nice to see this caring side to him. Also Hannah, I love you, but when Adam asked you if you wanted to make out (albeit jokingly), I have never been more ready to push you aside and swoop in. We still girls, right?

PERFECT MEN DON’T EXIST CONRAD YOU LITTLE BABY BOSUN ANGEL TELLING US HOW YOU NEVER WANT TO ABANDON ANYONE LIKE YOU WERE LEFT BY YOUR DAD. And then he goes to comfort Hannah while she’s anxious?! Amazing. There’s no way this man is real. Conrad, you little unicorn, can you like DM me, I have like 3 guys in mind you need to teach some things to. You’re wonderful. Never change.

 

Aww
https://gph.is/1i0z0Ns

So it looks like perfect little Brooke pulled off the perfect little beach picnic, and now I’m even less of a fan of her because she RUINED MY DRINKING GAME. #ThanksBrooke.

Well maybe our drinking game isn’t totally ruined – it looks like dinner is ready but not all of the guests are! We can take half a sip for that. Or drink the whole glass, I really don’t care. The primary is napping at 10pm, and he’s making everyone wait for dinner. I have a few problems with this – a) if you catch me napping at 10pm, it’s no longer a nap. My ass is done for the night. b) WHY WOULD ANYONE SLEEP THROUGH FOOD? Also, can we just – why do all of these guests eat so late? Dinner to me is at 6pm…does that make me a senior citizen? If so, pass the jello.

Old
https://gph.is/1TAxylE

 

Back to the charter guests – they keep showing this one guy’s ‘Former NBA Player’ lower 3rd, and once again…I don’t care.

Has anyone seen Colin?

Oh! There he is. That was honestly a coincidence. I relate so hard to him…I too enjoy when people make me feel like the world’s greatest comedian. Which is how I feel when you guys like these mostly weekly recaps I write. #ThereIGoAssumingAgain.

We start off another day, and I’m beyond impressed with Hannah. She’s choosing to put a brave face on and go back to work. I too suffer from anxiety, and there’s a point where you just become tough enough to say ‘I’m not going to let this get the best of me,’ and you power through it. Inside, she’s probably dying, but on the outside, she’s fierce AF. Well done, sista.

Wait do all of the guests have these stupid no onions hats? Can someone kill me? How am I just noticing this?

We’re now changing the drinking game rules to drink every time you hear or see the word onions. Maybe this is how the guest developed his aversion to the vegetable.

Another rule to our drinking game: take a drink every time Captain Sandy blames something on Hannah! Because somehow Conrad being confused is all Hannah’s fault.

I’m going to take the time during this useless scene of Joao and Brooke to speak about what Kasey just said. She literally just held up a towel and said ‘why is this so wet? What the f**k do these people do?’ They SWIM Kasey in the big blue ocean you’re SURROUNDED BY. Did you put marine biologist on your CV too?

Uh-oh! Looks like Captain Sandy is #BigMad, but this monologue is looking like her audition tape for The Real Housewives. Some highlights include:

‘Get Hannah back to this boat now. I’m not f**king happy.’

‘I am so f**king pissed.’

‘I want to fire her f**king ass.’

Also, she’s like awkwardly pacing and waving frantically. Thankfully all the tables in the bridge are bolted down, so she cant get all Teresa Giudice up in here.

Inflatable
https://media.giphy.com/media/14ytbNcL4X2gVi/giphy.gif

^This is actual footage of Captain Sandy freaking out over Hannah.

THEN THEN THEN when Hannah follows orders and comes to the bridge as soon as she arrives, Captain Sandy says ‘get away from me.’ I’m confused.

Oh good, a to be continued. Thanks Bravo!

In the words of Andy Cohen and logic, if you’ve been playing along with the drinking game, NO DRIVING!

FIN.

Diana

 

Look at me, I’m Captain Sandy (and a few other bad Grease Puns): A Below Deck Med Recap.

This yacht is automatic, it’s systematic, it’s DRAMMMAAAATIC! Why it’s Below Deck Med! 

I’m just going to warn you, I’m feeling excitement over leaving for a trip in 2 days and I’m also just took some cold meds because lucky me got sick a few days ago. So things are about to get weird.

Our night begins with a charter guest in the galley complaining that dinner isn’t out on time. Adam is just as angry as I was last week when it was storming and my cable went out, and I thought I was missing a new episode of Below Deck. But, just like my night ended well when I realized there was no new episode, so does Chef Adam’s – the guests are pleased as punch with his food and even call his sear Michelin Star quality #FullCircle #ILoveaGoodTheme.

Downstairs, the crew’s dinner gets a whole lot more awkward when Joao decides to tell Captain Sandy and Conrad he plans ‘upgrade his position,’ in the same way a girl would tell her friend she’s ready to upgrade from a bikini full wax to a Brazilian at European Wax Center.

Kasey and Jamie, two normally insignificant characters earn their place on this show and find the Holy Grail of bizarre guest belongings…a mask menagerie, if you will. Unicorns, pigs, leopards…I’m weirded out. But the only thing weirder is Colin’s attempt at flirting with Brooke.

“You know what I just thought of? If I could arrange the alphabet, I’d put U & I together.”

Cringe sweats. You know it’s bad, when Brooke, whose standards are lower than mens’ sagging pants in the mid 2000’s, is not impressed.

Cringe
https://gph.is/29JBijx

The boat docks in in Capri, and there is a cool ski lift to get on top of the mountain. I have a few problems with this:

  • That thing looks like it’s running way too fast
  • Why the hell would you let coolers with precious food and alcohol ride unattended?
  • Can we take the first charter guests and launch them off of it?

In what may be one of the best Bravo editing moments ever, Joao is talking about how he’s dated practically every girl who lives in Zimbabwe, and like magic, the perfect throwback pic – him in man pigtails. I think we’ve finally found something weirder than the guests animal masks, and douchier than man buns. I loled for a good 15 seconds. Thank you, Bravo production team. #Blessed.

Everyone is really seasick at dinner, and this is reminiscent of me at brunch during my friends’ joint Bachelor/Bachelorette party two weekends ago. Except I wasn’t seasick, I was hungover #Honest. Not being able to keep food down isn’t really a good time. So the guest makes a somewhat reasonable request (more reasonable than white gumballs only) for chicken noodle soup. Hannah asks Adam if there is any way he could whip up some chicken noodle soup, even though she’s not 100% sure this can be done. She knows better than to flat out reject a guest’s request because she’s good at her job. Adam, flips out on Hannah, and you would think she just asked him for something ridiculous like original footage from the Mars Rover.

We flashback to his Toy Story-esque ‘meeting,’ where he basically tells the interior crew ‘if you don’t know about it in advance, it won’t be made. Dude, if I’m paying out the wazoo for a yacht, I expect the crew to at least ask if my wishes can be met. Best part? He ends up making the chicken soup! It’s like he was looking for an excuse to whine. Adam, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.

Adam and Captain Sandy must be drinking the same contradictory juice, because when Hannah asks Captain Sandy if she wants some food, she replies with ‘definitely want food, but I can’t eat now.’ Hannah, again, being good at her job states she’ll keep it in the pantry. Captain Sandy questions why Hannah won’t bring the food in and sends Conrad out for it? YOU JUST SAID YOU CAN’T EAT NOW. #Logic. As if all that wasn’t enough, she goes into a rage about Conrad telling Hannah about said food.

Not really digging the bitchosaurus rex look on you, Captain Sandy. It’s like in Grease when Sandy gets her backbone, but instead of coming out in a cute monochromatic off the shoulder number with a bad ass attitude, Captain Sandy comes out in a Yacht Tracksuit Uniform and is just plain pissy. #YouBetterShapeUp.

Look at me, I’m Captain Sandy! Sailing a yacht on the Med sea! Won’t go to bed until I get fed! I can’t, I’m Captain Sandy! 

Sandy
https://gph.is/XJmTsE

Conrad does the responsible thing and confronts Sandy about her changing attitude towards him. She basically tells him to either choose his job or Hannah, which is hypocrisy at it’s finest! Let’s flashback to last season where Captain Sandy was okay with Wes choosing Malia over Bobby as lead deckhand…which was definitely NOT because he was sleeping with her /sarcasm. Seems like Captain Sandy’s problem is less about Conrad and Hannah, and more with just Hannah.

Yachty lovin’ had Hannah and Conrad a blast. Yachty lovin’ happened so fast. Conrad met a girl on the high seas! Hannah met the wrath of Captain Sandy! 

Captain Sandy you-know-what blocking Conrad and Hannah is also her you-know-what blocking us as an audience, I’m just saying. I am just hopelessly devoted to this romance. Okay, that’s enough of the Grease references, I’m sorry.

On a more fabulous note, the crew is planning a surprise birthday party for Hannah, and I’m worried that Captain Sandy is going to like stomp all over it, or something. But overall, it seems like it’s a fun bash!

Can we just talk about something for a second? How in the does Joao think it appropriate to invite his friends to Hannah’s party? You literally just broke a glass in this chick’s face last episode, and now you’re having your friends celebrate her special day? Damn, those pigtails gave you some pretty big balls. Speaking of those, Joao’s decided he’s made his decision and he wants Kasey. He even offered her a one way ticket to Zimbabwe. Cut to Brooke, who is not happy.

…but not as unhappy as Hannah is with those pink crocs she got for her gift! Girl, I don’t blame you for throwing those overboard.

Back to our ‘why the f does this even exist’ love triangle between Kasey, Joao, and Brooke – Brooke decides she’s going to creep her way into Joao’s pants heart. ‘Just tell me how you really feel,’ she says, in a very ‘come play with us’ twins from the Shining adjacent way. Also can we talk about how her eyes are just like deadpan open when he goes to kiss her? Then we are forced to watch this awkward kiss for entirely too long.

crazy gf
https://gph.is/2csi2WA

^I’m aware I used this GIF for Brooke a few blogs ago, but come on, it’s just too good.

And on that note, the episode ends.

FIN.

I will hopefully be back next week with another recap, however, I will be arriving home from a Bachelorette Party in Miami that night, so I may be post vacation sad/still drunk/hungover/all of the above and won’t make any promises.

-Diana

 

 

 

Joao is a Michelin Star A*Hole: A Below Deck Med Recap

Welcome to Diana’s Michelin Star Below Deck Med Recap. On tonight’s menu, you can expect to find:

A starter of Captain Sandy blaming Hannah for everything

A main course of Joao antics

A steamy Hannah and Conrad date for dessert

I hope you’re hungry!

We start out with Captain Salty Sandy being ridiculous – she’s letting Joao handle this enormous yacht (I wouldn’t even trust him to valet my car), praising Klueless Kasey, and she has it out for Hannah. Captain is so delusional, that when she confronts Hannah about being upset with Kasey, she didn’t want to discuss Kasey’s lying on her CV. I don’t know what alternate universe we live on where a boss does not want to discuss blatant lies on a resume, but I imagine it’s one where Kasey can make a decent cup of coffee.

Thinking out loud here for a moment. Does being a 3rd Stew on Below Deck require you to have no experience at all? I even feel over qualified. Seriously. I’m noticing a pattern on this series – Chief Stew: Bad ass boss babe, 2nd Stew: practical, organized, sweet, 3rd Stew: What’s the big blue thing we’re floating on? I also feel like every 3rd Stew on this show has complained about how they’re the only ones putting in all the effort. It’s like new money people bragging about how rich they are.

Rocky
http://gph.is/1V7180d

Tonight, the gang is headed off to a Michelin Star Restaurant and Adam has a look on his face that is basically me every time I see Cinderella’s Castle in Disney World.

Breaking News
https://gph.is/1JkJUoP

****BEE DOOOP BEE DOOOP BE DOOOP****

We interrupt this classy college tuition priced dinner for a jerky Joao moment. Joao and Hannah have a little glasses clink moment, and Joaoreyoueffingkiddingme is mad at her because he feels her clink was not very genuine. Let’s take a trip down memory lane for a hot second. You yelled in Hannah’s face and insulted her just a few episodes back, and all of a sudden you want to clink glasses with her like you’re on Sex and the City? Joao is lucky Hannah didn’t dump her wine all over his face (even that would’ve been tame since it’s white and doesn’t stain. But I’m sure Kasey would’ve done his wash. And shrunk his muscle tee.)

Joao further proves he’s a Michelin Star Asshole by telling Hannah that he hopes her sip of wine ‘went down with nails.’ When I paused my TV to type this sentence, it froze on the pic below, which is basically all of us watching this:

IMG_5158
My TV with Conrad on it – Diana Gebbia Photo

But I wish I had a picture of my face for what happened next. As Hannah is venting to Brooke about what just happened, Joao BREAKS A GLASS. I’m talking like it looks like he did it with his mind alla Carrie. Omg Adam, don’t ever cook with pig on this yacht again…

Carrie
https://gph.is/GZSK1W

After that incident, two of our crew members are not only DUMB ENOUGH to get in the van with Joao, but they’re fighting for his affection??!??? I know I said I found Adam attractive when he was getting angsty a few blogs back, but I draw the line at shards of glass flying at my face. #DifferentStrokesforDifferentFolks.

Joao must have realized what a complete moron he looks like, because now he’s trying to be the moral compass of the show and stop Hannah from taking a pic with Brooke while she’s sleeping because ‘Brooke can’t speak for herself.’ The guy who has spent every episode trying to figure out to sleep with Kasey who has made it explicitly clear she’s celibate, is now giving us a lesson in consent. Barf.

Joao just called Hannah a bunch of words that are even offensive to me…but I’m glad he’s at least holding a plastic glass at this point. We’re on the way back to the yacht and somehow the editors felt the need to tell us how Kasey wants ‘someone who will fight for her.’ I think Joao just proved that he’s all for fighting – just don’t include champagne flutes on your bridal registry, Kasey.

Time to prep for the next charter! As we’re getting ready (I say that as if I somehow am actively involved in this, but I’m currently sitting in my bed in my silky Primark PJ set that I got for $14), Adam compares Hannah and Conrad to how his own situation with Malia ‘I’m so Pretty’ White last season, and the only good thing about this is that I got to see Adam with his longer hair.

Later that night, Hannah and Conrad FINALLY go on their date, and I’m so rooting for it to not be like every other Below Deck date (i.e.: Raquel and Emile, EJ and Baker, Chef Matt and Bri). Thank God it isn’t! This date is actually going so well, it’s giving me a bit of false hope for my own love life. Okay, that’s pushing it.

The morning of the charter, Adam is feeling so #Inspired by his dining experience at the Michelin Star Restaurant, that he decides to have a meeting with the interior crew about how he wants his service to go. I for some reason instantly think of that scene in Toy Story, where Woody is giving the toys the rundown on moving plans. Hannah is Bo Peep, Brooke is Slinky Dog, and Kasey is Rex. You figure out why.

We set sail, and it looks like these guests have attended the same Michelin Star Asshole School that Joao did – they’re being color specific about GUM BALLS. They don’t want all white gum balls, they want a mix of colored ones. First of all, I’m still trying to figure out how gum balls are a favorite snack for these folks. They don’t taste good, you don’t actually eat anything, and my TMJ is flaring up just watching them chew. But this is probably why the charter guests look as good as they do, and I am going to look like a potato in Miami in 2 weeks. Hey, does that make me Mr. Potato Head in Adam’s little Toy Story Meeting? It does now.

I just had to rewind my TV to make sure I heard something right. And I sadly did. Adam just put pineapple on a pizza. As an FBI (Full Blooded Italian), this is a deal breaker for me. Sorry, Adam. I have to call our romantic relationship in my mind quits. You’re really broken up over it too, in my mind. You’ll be okay.

Later on, Jamie discovers Colin has a thing for Brooke. Colin, either enroll in Michelin Star Asshole school, or end that dream now. You’re essentially the Anti-Joao, and that’s a turn off for Brooke.

Captain Salty Sandy is mad that 2 of her Senior Deck Crew Members are dating, saying they need to be professional. This is the same woman who found nothing wrong with Wes choosing Malia as his lead deckhand last season…yup. Completely professional and not hypocritical at all.

It’s dinner time, and the guests are angry their food is late. So angry, that one guest goes down to the galley to voice his frustration. Adam is not happy. It’s cute…maybe I will take him back in our relationship in my mind.

FIN.

Till next week!

Diana

 

 

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies (On Your CV): A Below Deck Med Recap

This Below Deck Med recap is coming to you live from Portland, ME. Yes, I am recapping after hours on a business trip, because I am #Committed. I even had a Mediterranean Dinner to celebrate the occasion. So the sparkling rosé and Disaronno on the rocks I had will only make me extra sassy. Enjoy!

This week of Below Deck Med finds us in a love fest. Yuck, I can feel my strawberry panna cotta repeating on me. Brooke is sad that Adam isn’t returning her feelings that she has for him. Well sweetie, as the Rolling Stones once said ‘You Can’t Always Get what You Want.’ I’m so glad Adam told her he doesn’t feel the same, because I was seriously going to revoke my President of the Chef Adam Fan Club Membership if he tried to get with her. She’s so not his type. He needs a fiery red head with no filter, who enjoys wine and classic rock. I may have just described me.

Meanwhile, on the bus, Kasey is telling J-e-i-e-i-oao that she wants someone who will treat her how her dad treats her Mom. Sweetie you are lookin for love in all the wrong places. He’s totally telling her exactly what she wants to hear, kind of like what we’re about to find out she did on her CV. #TooSoon?

Hannah is calling Kasey out on her resume embellishment and it’s just another reason why Hannah is my hero. Here’s a direct quote from Kasey on Silver Service: ‘I don’t remember it, I honestly do not.’ Not what I want to hear from someone who should be trying on my shoes and breaking them in before I wear them.

Kasey is saying she’s taking responsibility for the lies she put on her CV, but at the same time does not remember writing any of it. Something smells fishy, and it ain’t the Med waters.

According to Captain Sandy though, Kasey lying on her CV is Hannah’s fault, #Logic.

Speaking of #Logic, Colin is saying he likes NY Pizza better than Italy’s and I tuned him out right then and there, honestly.

Captain Sandy once again proves she is on crack, because she doesn’t like Hannah but thinks ‘Joao will be a great leader.’ A great leader of scum bags, maybe. Captain also warns Conrad that he is too into Hannah, and Captain Sandy, there is never such a thing as being ‘too into Hannah,’ because she is a Queen we should all aspire to be like.

Subtitle deckhand Jamie is staring at the Yacht Dad, talking about how this is the most action she’ll get, and I feel like this is her attempt at a storyline, since covering as a stew did not work out for her. She’s gotta go harder if she wants my respect. Hannah kissed a charter guest last season, get on her level. That’s dedication.

The guests have these stupid tracksuits on and I feel like I’m back home in Staten Island, NY again. The back says ‘We don’t give a buck.’ BRB, murdering myself. They’re wearing these to dinner and I can’t begin to explain how wrong this is. You’re on a 5 star yacht, can you not look like Flavor Flav circa 2006?

Uh oh, Yacht Dad is volunteering to clean plates and this isn’t going to end well.

Brooke admits she cries daily on deck and I want to slap her. I shouldn’t be giving her any tips on how to win Adam over, but as we saw last season, not being into him at all, and being all over some other guy works wonders. Brooke can’t be too mad, tho, because Joao is suddenly interested in her again. They’re made for each other. Remember, Joao just spent most the episode convincing Kasey he was good for her. Throw em all overboard.

Yacht Dad continues to clear plates and he’s making Adm sexy angry. Is he really going to complain about helpful guests when meanwhile we basically had Satan’s butthole for charter guests last time around? Adam, honey, stop.

This week was super light on the drama, so I’ll end here…because the Med inspired dinner I had is putting me to sleep, and because Captain Sandy is letting Joao drive the boat, and she may be drunk too.

Some final thoughts:

  1. Leave Conrad and Hannah alone
  2. I could be a better stew than Kasey
  3. Date me Adam

FIN

Talk to you next week, for what will hopefully be a more eventful Below Deck Med Recap!

Diana

 

America Didn’t Ask for This (and Other Names for Austen’s Beer Line): A Southern Charm Recap

This season started off so chock full of drama, that it was bound to hit a bit of a lull at some point. That happened this week, with Bravo forcing us to do a keg stand full of Austen’s beer.

Beer
https://gph.is/2l6jWlZ

This week starts off with Craig and Austen on a journey to Greenville to pick up Austen’s first batch of beer. I’ll admit I couldn’t look at the screen for most of this. Craig is in a brace after slicing his pinky tendons with a knife, and I felt pain in my hand the entire time watching him move his. I threw up a little in my mouth while writing that sentence. #SqueamishAF.

The guys are talking about how Austen’s GF Victoria was a little irked after seeing a pic of her BF and Chelsea getting close on a boat. “Girls are f****ing crazy, man!” Craig proclaims! The guys in this cast are the picture of sanity: Thomas’ abuse allegations and criminal record, Shep being unable to find love, Whitney and his Mom, and JD cheating on his wife and not paying his bills. BUT –  the girls are crazy. Got it, Craiggy Poo.

We now get to follow two of these ‘crazy’ girls to the beach – Chelsea and Naomie (okay, Naomie did take an express trip on the crazy train this season, but she got off at the first stop she could). They’re discussing everyone’s favorite Southern Love Triangle – Thomas, Kathryn, and Satan Ashley. Naomie reveals that Kathryn’s daughter Kensie actually called her Ashley. This is infuriating. How Thomas still has custody of these children after his past behaviors and current events is beyond me. Kathryn has made leaps and bounds and truly loves these children. Here’s hoping she has full custody once again one day. /rantover.

‘Crazy girl’ Chelsea very rationally says that she can’t hang out with Austen and Victoria if they are in a relationship because it makes her uncomfortable. WATCH OUT cause these girls are PSYCHO. /sarcasm.

Now we get to see Austen be a total beer snob, and Craig pretending to talk beer is the only this scene’s only saving grace.

“It’s a citrus but it’s a lemon citrus. Um, like I thought it might be more red fruit, and I get more of a yellow fruit. Would it make sense if I said it was kind of woody? There’s wood in it.

-Craig Conover, beer connoisseur.

I’m so excited we get to see Mamma Cam in action! I adore how real she’s kept it throughout her pregnancy, and I’m positive she’s going to be just as true now that Baby P is here! (Not even two seconds later, Cameran reveals that she hasn’t showered in 2 weeks and her ‘armpits were on the verge of looking like a man.’) Cameran, on behalf of all cynics such as myself, thank you for not being one of those ‘Motherhood is like pooping out sunshine 100% of the time’ Moms.

More #CameranMomTruths:

  • She’s not having another kid
  • She and Jason sobbed the second night after coming home from the hospital and asked ‘What have we done?’ ‘We’ve had a great life?’ ‘Why did we do this?’
  • After a few days she’s learned to understand Baby Palmer

Cameran is the truth we need in the world. That being said, I still want a ton of kids one day.

Cameran
https://gph.is/2re8w2a

 

Kathryn and Craig meet for coffee and I immediately snap my head away from the TV because Craig is moving his cast again. They discuss basically what all of America is thinking: Trashley is a money hungry, unstable, witch. They think a normally frugal Thomas is spending all of his money on Cashley to keep her at bay.

Not gonna lie, I thought this theory would be proven right when we see Whitney and Thomas in a jewelry store just one scene later, but they’re actually shopping for a new ring with the Ravenel family crest on it. This show is so excessive and I love it. If my family had a crest I feel like it’d include a Calzone and an Italian Flag.

Spongebob
https://gph.is/28Y8OUy

I spoke too soon, Thomas now wants to buy matching rings for him and Ashley. Let it be known that on June 14th, 2018, I sided with Whitney Sudler Smith for the first time, when he looked at Thomas in disbelief. T-Rav wants this ring to ‘signify the future, but without sending a mixed signal.’ This woman has been BEGGING you for a ring and a child all season. Tread lightly, Thomas.

For the third time this episode, I’ve tasted my own vomit when Craig again explains how he sent a knife through his hand. On a much more palatable topic, he’s picking out some fabrics for his pillow designs. I love it when Craig is passionate about his sewing, it’s the cutest thing ever.

Craig Sewing
https://gph.is/2JMAMjV

 

NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR SEWING, CRAIG!

Shep is such a source of comic relief throughout this series, and in true Shep fashion, we find him dropping-trou in the middle of a bowling alley to put on his knee brace after his surgery. If I had as much money as his family does, I probably wouldn’t realize that’s not socially acceptable either. He does it in such an arrogant yet innocent way. But remember, the girls are the crazy ones in Charleston.

Side note – please realize that as much as I bash this cast, it is coming from a place of complete love and adoration. Minus Ashley. She’s truly the devil.

Kathryn joins him, and I wish she had gotten there just a few minutes sooner to witness Shep use the bowling alley as a changing room. Shep is lamenting ‘cutting the cord’ between he and Kathryn too soon (man translation, years later, he finally realizes how dumb it was to stop returning her calls after they had slept together.)

It seems the feelings are mutual though, because Kathryn confesses she had a dream that Shep told her he loved her. And this conversation goes A LOT BETTER than the infamous ‘but what if I love you’ moment Landon had with him 2 seasons ago. I think Kathryn deserves to be happy, but I’m not sure if I’m on board with this whole RelationShep yet. Something feels weird.

It seems Bravo is trying to make this whole Austen beer debut party a thing, so I guess I’ll go with it…but not without resistance. Austen and his friend Alexandra are discussing the Victoria/Chelsea drama and the two are drinking Mimosas and picking out outfits. I’m confused because this literally looks like the Friday afternoon I’ve had with my pal Nicole a few weeks back, but okay. Will they paint each other’s nails next? Maybe Ashley could loan Austen the color she used on Thomas while she was holding him hostage relaxing with him in Hilton Head.

Ashley’s back from California with a fresh blowout, and everyone in America lets out a collective groan (except the state of California, which I can hear celebrating all the way from New Jersey).

Quick cut to Austen setting up his beer debut and he wants suggestions for his beer names. Here are mine:

  • Thanks for my beer line, Mom and Dad
  • Three’s a crowd
  • This is my way of procrastinating getting a real job
  • I’m shocked Bravo brought me back for another season too

I’ll work on them.

This beer is apparently so good, Austen can’t recognize his family when they first arrive! They all approve of his beer and WE ARE JUST SO RELIEVED!

JD shows up and I vomit a little for a fourth time. I can smell his bad cologne through my TV.

Peyton, Ashley, and Chelsea’s friend are all wearing a variety of the same outfit.

Take a shot every time insecure Ashley rears her ugly head. Our first shot comes after she prompts Thomas not to stare at Kathryn. Craig asks Ashley if she’s spoke to Kathryn since Hilton Head. ‘Who’s Kathryn?’ Ashley retorts. Take another shot. Now she’s making a failed attempt at getting pity from Craig because of her fight with Thomas.

Whitney is wearing one of his Mother’s coats.

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for (said no one ever), the completely forced Victoria/Chelsea confrontation. These girls were friends at one point and they’re ‘fighting’ over this stupid Southern Bobblehead. I don’t get it. Can we stop trying to make Austen happen?

The forced confrontation begins when Victoria is telling her two ‘friends’ Kathryn and Naomie that Austen was ‘telling me trepidation?’ Someone must have fed her her line wrong. No one can understand what she’s trying to say…not even Victoria herself. Chelsea realizes Victoria is clearly blowing this staged fight, so she asks if they can speak for a moment. I wish Chelsea was my best friend.

I can’t even recap this ‘fight,’ that’s how boring it is. Just know that Victoria’s mad at that shoulder kissin’ photo and Chelsea tells her she isn’t after Austen.

Here’s hoping for better drama next week…we were doing so well this season!

FIN

Diana

 

 

 

 

Let’s Start a GoFund Me to Make Up for the Horrible Tip these Guests Left: A Below Deck Recap

“Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, off rude ass guests who abuse a crew and leave a pitiful tip!” For those of you under the age of 65, google the Gilligan’s Island theme song, and you’ll get it. It’s time for another Below Deck Recap!

gilligan
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We return to the yacht where Adam is hard at work on the ridiculous dinner menu that the guests requested last episode (to refresh your memory, it included surf and turf and tuna tartare). The guests are now over 2 and a half hours late for dinner. Why anyone would be late to eat, is beyond me. I’m ready for dinner as I’m eating my last bite of lunch.

As if the freaking STEAK, LOBSTER, AND TUNA aren’t enough, the guests decide they want…french fries. Yes…they literally just ate a meal that could have been served at the Royal Wedding, and now they want fried potatoes. I hate these guests.

A beautiful cake is brought out, and the guests are less than impressed when the candles won’t light due to strong winds. A ‘firecracker candle’ is demanded. Guest logic = when the 99 cent candles won’t light, bring out the big sparkly thing filled with fire that could burn your face off if you breathe on it the wrong way. I’m guessing they failed physics.

candle .gif
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Hannah further proves that she is my spirit animal, by lighting said ‘firecracker candle’ and setting all the yacht fire alarms off. Enter Captain Sandy, who is ANGRY. Like I’m talking I wonder if she’s the one who set off the fire alarms, mad.

Kasey is up bright and early to serve the guests – so right now, we basically have no crew members working. Little lady finds her first of probably many challenges of the day in making a Bloody Mary. Okay, even I know it’s tomato juice, vodka, celery, seasoning or whatever…and then when you mess up…more vodka. Done. Get the guests drunk enough so they can’t even tell you made the worst Bloody Mary ever. I would make a great stew.

Joao almost has a human moment by asking the whiny deckhand who has done more work as a stew this charter season, if she wants to pursue life as a deckhand. He quickly ruins it by asking Jamie who she thinks he’d most likely go for (Brooke or Kasey).

Brooke is upset she’s missing her sister’s wedding. A grand total of 2 people watching this care (Brooke and her sister).

After breakfast, these guests are basically holding the 2018 Water Olympics. They demand the slide, water trampoline, jet-ski, kayak…sheesh. I feel like these Olympics would have a great Opening Ceremony – a performance from Colin, Chef Adam dressed as the hot guy from Tonga…just no torches. We all know how Captain Sandy gets around fire.

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Hannah brings out lunch, and the idiot charter guest manages to top his moronic ‘but you’re not Chinese’ comment from last week by inventing issues with the food. The meal is brought to the table in shifts, because you know, Hannah only has two hands. Idiot guest asks where the burgers are. When his fellow scholarly friends point out the obvious burgers on the table, he replies with ‘where’s the bun? I need a real burger.’ As opposed to…?

Hannah saves the day as always by bringing out the buns…but you can see the steam coming out of this guy’s head (much like the fresh burgers) as he tries his hardest to think up another complaint. Here’s what he comes up with:

‘I need my bun toasted.’

He’s stuttering saying that because I think even he realizes what a dope he is. If I were Hannah I would have replied saying ‘would you like your bun toasted as much as your brain is?’ Maybe I would not be a great stew.

I would definitely make a better stew than Kasey, who is complaining that she isn’t being challenged, and is trapped in the laundry room. You had your challenge in the Bloody Mary this morning, and we all saw how that unfolded, so folding laundry is the best place for you.

The guests are going on a banana boat now and I hope one or all of them falls off.

Sadly, all guests return to the ship, and I swear they watched a webinar on how to be more of an asshole before dinner, because this meal is off to a horrible start. One guest is complaining about how the croutons may or may not be vegan. The primary won’t eat until she is told a description of the menu. It gets worse when the guests send their steak back to get reheated.

Finally, the guests are leaving and it is like Christmas in June.

Upon exit, the primary tries to imply that the crew did not provide exceptional service. Wouldn’t it be great if a giant seagull came down and ate this woman whole?

Brooke and Hannah are reviewing Kasey’s resume and I can’t help but notice she has a photo of herself in a bikini and flower crown? Finally, we know how she got this job with little to no experience. Do you think NASA will accept a job application from me if I attach a photo of myself in a bikini and flower crown? #Inspired.

These ungrateful guests only leave $12,000 as a tip (I know, I can’t believe I typed that either, but that is not a lot of money in the yacht world). I’m hoping these guests disintegrated somewhere.

The crew is out to eat, and Brooke is having Chef Adam show off his tattooed arms. There are a bunch of pizzas from Italy on table, and all I can think of is how amazing that mans arms look. I’m sorry. I apologize for how unnecessarily creepy that was. Luckily for me, Joao ups my creep level by making some weird ass growl when talking about how hot he finds Kasey. Thanks for doing me a solid, Joao.

Brooke somehow manages to make Joao and I look completely sane by crazy eye staring straight into Adam’s soul after discussing how sex is better when you have a connection with your significant other.

crazy gf
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That’s enough for tonight.

FIN.

See you next week for another Below Deck recap!

-Diana