Tell Me Sweet Little Lies (On Your CV): A Below Deck Med Recap

This Below Deck Med recap is coming to you live from Portland, ME. Yes, I am recapping after hours on a business trip, because I am #Committed. I even had a Mediterranean Dinner to celebrate the occasion. So the sparkling rosé and Disaronno on the rocks I had will only make me extra sassy. Enjoy!

This week of Below Deck Med finds us in a love fest. Yuck, I can feel my strawberry panna cotta repeating on me. Brooke is sad that Adam isn’t returning her feelings that she has for him. Well sweetie, as the Rolling Stones once said ‘You Can’t Always Get what You Want.’ I’m so glad Adam told her he doesn’t feel the same, because I was seriously going to revoke my President of the Chef Adam Fan Club Membership if he tried to get with her. She’s so not his type. He needs a fiery red head with no filter, who enjoys wine and classic rock. I may have just described me.

Meanwhile, on the bus, Kasey is telling J-e-i-e-i-oao that she wants someone who will treat her how her dad treats her Mom. Sweetie you are lookin for love in all the wrong places. He’s totally telling her exactly what she wants to hear, kind of like what we’re about to find out she did on her CV. #TooSoon?

Hannah is calling Kasey out on her resume embellishment and it’s just another reason why Hannah is my hero. Here’s a direct quote from Kasey on Silver Service: ‘I don’t remember it, I honestly do not.’ Not what I want to hear from someone who should be trying on my shoes and breaking them in before I wear them.

Kasey is saying she’s taking responsibility for the lies she put on her CV, but at the same time does not remember writing any of it. Something smells fishy, and it ain’t the Med waters.

According to Captain Sandy though, Kasey lying on her CV is Hannah’s fault, #Logic.

Speaking of #Logic, Colin is saying he likes NY Pizza better than Italy’s and I tuned him out right then and there, honestly.

Captain Sandy once again proves she is on crack, because she doesn’t like Hannah but thinks ‘Joao will be a great leader.’ A great leader of scum bags, maybe. Captain also warns Conrad that he is too into Hannah, and Captain Sandy, there is never such a thing as being ‘too into Hannah,’ because she is a Queen we should all aspire to be like.

Subtitle deckhand Jamie is staring at the Yacht Dad, talking about how this is the most action she’ll get, and I feel like this is her attempt at a storyline, since covering as a stew did not work out for her. She’s gotta go harder if she wants my respect. Hannah kissed a charter guest last season, get on her level. That’s dedication.

The guests have these stupid tracksuits on and I feel like I’m back home in Staten Island, NY again. The back says ‘We don’t give a buck.’ BRB, murdering myself. They’re wearing these to dinner and I can’t begin to explain how wrong this is. You’re on a 5 star yacht, can you not look like Flavor Flav circa 2006?

Uh oh, Yacht Dad is volunteering to clean plates and this isn’t going to end well.

Brooke admits she cries daily on deck and I want to slap her. I shouldn’t be giving her any tips on how to win Adam over, but as we saw last season, not being into him at all, and being all over some other guy works wonders. Brooke can’t be too mad, tho, because Joao is suddenly interested in her again. They’re made for each other. Remember, Joao just spent most the episode convincing Kasey he was good for her. Throw em all overboard.

Yacht Dad continues to clear plates and he’s making Adm sexy angry. Is he really going to complain about helpful guests when meanwhile we basically had Satan’s butthole for charter guests last time around? Adam, honey, stop.

This week was super light on the drama, so I’ll end here…because the Med inspired dinner I had is putting me to sleep, and because Captain Sandy is letting Joao drive the boat, and she may be drunk too.

Some final thoughts:

  1. Leave Conrad and Hannah alone
  2. I could be a better stew than Kasey
  3. Date me Adam


Talk to you next week, for what will hopefully be a more eventful Below Deck Med Recap!



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