America Didn’t Ask for This (and Other Names for Austen’s Beer Line): A Southern Charm Recap

This season started off so chock full of drama, that it was bound to hit a bit of a lull at some point. That happened this week, with Bravo forcing us to do a keg stand full of Austen’s beer.

Beer
https://gph.is/2l6jWlZ

This week starts off with Craig and Austen on a journey to Greenville to pick up Austen’s first batch of beer. I’ll admit I couldn’t look at the screen for most of this. Craig is in a brace after slicing his pinky tendons with a knife, and I felt pain in my hand the entire time watching him move his. I threw up a little in my mouth while writing that sentence. #SqueamishAF.

The guys are talking about how Austen’s GF Victoria was a little irked after seeing a pic of her BF and Chelsea getting close on a boat. “Girls are f****ing crazy, man!” Craig proclaims! The guys in this cast are the picture of sanity: Thomas’ abuse allegations and criminal record, Shep being unable to find love, Whitney and his Mom, and JD cheating on his wife and not paying his bills. BUT –  the girls are crazy. Got it, Craiggy Poo.

We now get to follow two of these ‘crazy’ girls to the beach – Chelsea and Naomie (okay, Naomie did take an express trip on the crazy train this season, but she got off at the first stop she could). They’re discussing everyone’s favorite Southern Love Triangle – Thomas, Kathryn, and Satan Ashley. Naomie reveals that Kathryn’s daughter Kensie actually called her Ashley. This is infuriating. How Thomas still has custody of these children after his past behaviors and current events is beyond me. Kathryn has made leaps and bounds and truly loves these children. Here’s hoping she has full custody once again one day. /rantover.

‘Crazy girl’ Chelsea very rationally says that she can’t hang out with Austen and Victoria if they are in a relationship because it makes her uncomfortable. WATCH OUT cause these girls are PSYCHO. /sarcasm.

Now we get to see Austen be a total beer snob, and Craig pretending to talk beer is the only this scene’s only saving grace.

“It’s a citrus but it’s a lemon citrus. Um, like I thought it might be more red fruit, and I get more of a yellow fruit. Would it make sense if I said it was kind of woody? There’s wood in it.

-Craig Conover, beer connoisseur.

I’m so excited we get to see Mamma Cam in action! I adore how real she’s kept it throughout her pregnancy, and I’m positive she’s going to be just as true now that Baby P is here! (Not even two seconds later, Cameran reveals that she hasn’t showered in 2 weeks and her ‘armpits were on the verge of looking like a man.’) Cameran, on behalf of all cynics such as myself, thank you for not being one of those ‘Motherhood is like pooping out sunshine 100% of the time’ Moms.

More #CameranMomTruths:

  • She’s not having another kid
  • She and Jason sobbed the second night after coming home from the hospital and asked ‘What have we done?’ ‘We’ve had a great life?’ ‘Why did we do this?’
  • After a few days she’s learned to understand Baby Palmer

Cameran is the truth we need in the world. That being said, I still want a ton of kids one day.

Cameran
https://gph.is/2re8w2a

 

Kathryn and Craig meet for coffee and I immediately snap my head away from the TV because Craig is moving his cast again. They discuss basically what all of America is thinking: Trashley is a money hungry, unstable, witch. They think a normally frugal Thomas is spending all of his money on Cashley to keep her at bay.

Not gonna lie, I thought this theory would be proven right when we see Whitney and Thomas in a jewelry store just one scene later, but they’re actually shopping for a new ring with the Ravenel family crest on it. This show is so excessive and I love it. If my family had a crest I feel like it’d include a Calzone and an Italian Flag.

Spongebob
https://gph.is/28Y8OUy

I spoke too soon, Thomas now wants to buy matching rings for him and Ashley. Let it be known that on June 14th, 2018, I sided with Whitney Sudler Smith for the first time, when he looked at Thomas in disbelief. T-Rav wants this ring to ‘signify the future, but without sending a mixed signal.’ This woman has been BEGGING you for a ring and a child all season. Tread lightly, Thomas.

For the third time this episode, I’ve tasted my own vomit when Craig again explains how he sent a knife through his hand. On a much more palatable topic, he’s picking out some fabrics for his pillow designs. I love it when Craig is passionate about his sewing, it’s the cutest thing ever.

Craig Sewing
https://gph.is/2JMAMjV

 

NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR SEWING, CRAIG!

Shep is such a source of comic relief throughout this series, and in true Shep fashion, we find him dropping-trou in the middle of a bowling alley to put on his knee brace after his surgery. If I had as much money as his family does, I probably wouldn’t realize that’s not socially acceptable either. He does it in such an arrogant yet innocent way. But remember, the girls are the crazy ones in Charleston.

Side note – please realize that as much as I bash this cast, it is coming from a place of complete love and adoration. Minus Ashley. She’s truly the devil.

Kathryn joins him, and I wish she had gotten there just a few minutes sooner to witness Shep use the bowling alley as a changing room. Shep is lamenting ‘cutting the cord’ between he and Kathryn too soon (man translation, years later, he finally realizes how dumb it was to stop returning her calls after they had slept together.)

It seems the feelings are mutual though, because Kathryn confesses she had a dream that Shep told her he loved her. And this conversation goes A LOT BETTER than the infamous ‘but what if I love you’ moment Landon had with him 2 seasons ago. I think Kathryn deserves to be happy, but I’m not sure if I’m on board with this whole RelationShep yet. Something feels weird.

It seems Bravo is trying to make this whole Austen beer debut party a thing, so I guess I’ll go with it…but not without resistance. Austen and his friend Alexandra are discussing the Victoria/Chelsea drama and the two are drinking Mimosas and picking out outfits. I’m confused because this literally looks like the Friday afternoon I’ve had with my pal Nicole a few weeks back, but okay. Will they paint each other’s nails next? Maybe Ashley could loan Austen the color she used on Thomas while she was holding him hostage relaxing with him in Hilton Head.

Ashley’s back from California with a fresh blowout, and everyone in America lets out a collective groan (except the state of California, which I can hear celebrating all the way from New Jersey).

Quick cut to Austen setting up his beer debut and he wants suggestions for his beer names. Here are mine:

  • Thanks for my beer line, Mom and Dad
  • Three’s a crowd
  • This is my way of procrastinating getting a real job
  • I’m shocked Bravo brought me back for another season too

I’ll work on them.

This beer is apparently so good, Austen can’t recognize his family when they first arrive! They all approve of his beer and WE ARE JUST SO RELIEVED!

JD shows up and I vomit a little for a fourth time. I can smell his bad cologne through my TV.

Peyton, Ashley, and Chelsea’s friend are all wearing a variety of the same outfit.

Take a shot every time insecure Ashley rears her ugly head. Our first shot comes after she prompts Thomas not to stare at Kathryn. Craig asks Ashley if she’s spoke to Kathryn since Hilton Head. ‘Who’s Kathryn?’ Ashley retorts. Take another shot. Now she’s making a failed attempt at getting pity from Craig because of her fight with Thomas.

Whitney is wearing one of his Mother’s coats.

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for (said no one ever), the completely forced Victoria/Chelsea confrontation. These girls were friends at one point and they’re ‘fighting’ over this stupid Southern Bobblehead. I don’t get it. Can we stop trying to make Austen happen?

The forced confrontation begins when Victoria is telling her two ‘friends’ Kathryn and Naomie that Austen was ‘telling me trepidation?’ Someone must have fed her her line wrong. No one can understand what she’s trying to say…not even Victoria herself. Chelsea realizes Victoria is clearly blowing this staged fight, so she asks if they can speak for a moment. I wish Chelsea was my best friend.

I can’t even recap this ‘fight,’ that’s how boring it is. Just know that Victoria’s mad at that shoulder kissin’ photo and Chelsea tells her she isn’t after Austen.

Here’s hoping for better drama next week…we were doing so well this season!

FIN

Diana

 

 

 

 

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