Let’s Start a GoFund Me to Make Up for the Horrible Tip these Guests Left: A Below Deck Recap

“Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, off rude ass guests who abuse a crew and leave a pitiful tip!” For those of you under the age of 65, google the Gilligan’s Island theme song, and you’ll get it. It’s time for another Below Deck Recap!


We return to the yacht where Adam is hard at work on the ridiculous dinner menu that the guests requested last episode (to refresh your memory, it included surf and turf and tuna tartare). The guests are now over 2 and a half hours late for dinner. Why anyone would be late to eat, is beyond me. I’m ready for dinner as I’m eating my last bite of lunch.

As if the freaking STEAK, LOBSTER, AND TUNA aren’t enough, the guests decide they want…french fries. Yes…they literally just ate a meal that could have been served at the Royal Wedding, and now they want fried potatoes. I hate these guests.

A beautiful cake is brought out, and the guests are less than impressed when the candles won’t light due to strong winds. A ‘firecracker candle’ is demanded. Guest logic = when the 99 cent candles won’t light, bring out the big sparkly thing filled with fire that could burn your face off if you breathe on it the wrong way. I’m guessing they failed physics.

candle .gif

Hannah further proves that she is my spirit animal, by lighting said ‘firecracker candle’ and setting all the yacht fire alarms off. Enter Captain Sandy, who is ANGRY. Like I’m talking I wonder if she’s the one who set off the fire alarms, mad.

Kasey is up bright and early to serve the guests – so right now, we basically have no crew members working. Little lady finds her first of probably many challenges of the day in making a Bloody Mary. Okay, even I know it’s tomato juice, vodka, celery, seasoning or whatever…and then when you mess up…more vodka. Done. Get the guests drunk enough so they can’t even tell you made the worst Bloody Mary ever. I would make a great stew.

Joao almost has a human moment by asking the whiny deckhand who has done more work as a stew this charter season, if she wants to pursue life as a deckhand. He quickly ruins it by asking Jamie who she thinks he’d most likely go for (Brooke or Kasey).

Brooke is upset she’s missing her sister’s wedding. A grand total of 2 people watching this care (Brooke and her sister).

After breakfast, these guests are basically holding the 2018 Water Olympics. They demand the slide, water trampoline, jet-ski, kayak…sheesh. I feel like these Olympics would have a great Opening Ceremony – a performance from Colin, Chef Adam dressed as the hot guy from Tonga…just no torches. We all know how Captain Sandy gets around fire.


Hannah brings out lunch, and the idiot charter guest manages to top his moronic ‘but you’re not Chinese’ comment from last week by inventing issues with the food. The meal is brought to the table in shifts, because you know, Hannah only has two hands. Idiot guest asks where the burgers are. When his fellow scholarly friends point out the obvious burgers on the table, he replies with ‘where’s the bun? I need a real burger.’ As opposed to…?

Hannah saves the day as always by bringing out the buns…but you can see the steam coming out of this guy’s head (much like the fresh burgers) as he tries his hardest to think up another complaint. Here’s what he comes up with:

‘I need my bun toasted.’

He’s stuttering saying that because I think even he realizes what a dope he is. If I were Hannah I would have replied saying ‘would you like your bun toasted as much as your brain is?’ Maybe I would not be a great stew.

I would definitely make a better stew than Kasey, who is complaining that she isn’t being challenged, and is trapped in the laundry room. You had your challenge in the Bloody Mary this morning, and we all saw how that unfolded, so folding laundry is the best place for you.

The guests are going on a banana boat now and I hope one or all of them falls off.

Sadly, all guests return to the ship, and I swear they watched a webinar on how to be more of an asshole before dinner, because this meal is off to a horrible start. One guest is complaining about how the croutons may or may not be vegan. The primary won’t eat until she is told a description of the menu. It gets worse when the guests send their steak back to get reheated.

Finally, the guests are leaving and it is like Christmas in June.

Upon exit, the primary tries to imply that the crew did not provide exceptional service. Wouldn’t it be great if a giant seagull came down and ate this woman whole?

Brooke and Hannah are reviewing Kasey’s resume and I can’t help but notice she has a photo of herself in a bikini and flower crown? Finally, we know how she got this job with little to no experience. Do you think NASA will accept a job application from me if I attach a photo of myself in a bikini and flower crown? #Inspired.

These ungrateful guests only leave $12,000 as a tip (I know, I can’t believe I typed that either, but that is not a lot of money in the yacht world). I’m hoping these guests disintegrated somewhere.

The crew is out to eat, and Brooke is having Chef Adam show off his tattooed arms. There are a bunch of pizzas from Italy on table, and all I can think of is how amazing that mans arms look. I’m sorry. I apologize for how unnecessarily creepy that was. Luckily for me, Joao ups my creep level by making some weird ass growl when talking about how hot he finds Kasey. Thanks for doing me a solid, Joao.

Brooke somehow manages to make Joao and I look completely sane by crazy eye staring straight into Adam’s soul after discussing how sex is better when you have a connection with your significant other.

crazy gf


That’s enough for tonight.


See you next week for another Below Deck recap!






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