Ladies and Gentlemen, this is The Countess Speaking (55 Minutes Later): A RHONY Recap

It’s RHONY time, and I’ve been like a little dog drooling ever since we saw the police cruiser cam footage of the Countess getting arrested last week…finally that moment has arrived!

…or maybe not. In true Bravo style, we don’t open with the continuation of Luann’s arrest. Why would they give the people what we’ve been dying for? Instead, we begin our night with clips of the ladies running some errands. Fascinating.

Bravo gains a little bit of my respect back when we cut to Dorinda hobbling with a cane due to a Christofel salt shaker falling on her foot. Those things range from anywhere from $300-$700. I think that salt shaker would sooner fall into a puddle of mud before ever touching my poor person foot.

Help Poor
https://giphy.com/gifs/reaction-bridesmaids-moo-hol56wxuWmRrO

Finally, Bravo decides to answer our prayers and bring up Luann’s arrest 3 minutes into the episode in the form of a totally natural, and non-scripted phone conversation between Tinsley and Carole…

…but, not before we hear a truly riveting story about Tinsley’s trip with Scott. Both ladies express their concern in the most true to their self ways – Tinsley called the Countess and offered her to come over for drinks (not that intoxication led to Luann’s arrest or anything), and Carole stated how ‘scared’ she was for Luann in the same tone that the guy at Chipotle uses when he reminds me that guac is extra.

Guac
http://truegif.com/6452

We then get Dorinda and Ramona’s takes on the situation. Much less exciting. I’m over it, I want to see Countess Luann. I wonder if she led a cell block sing along of ‘Chic C’est La Vie…’ Sa bonne, sa bonne.

Next comes Bethenny’s opinion of the arrest…at this point, we’re probably going to have to hear from everyone except Luann and then cut to a commercial break before we finally hear the Countess recount the night.

Jump back to Tinz and Carole. Like the true journalist she is, Carole asks Tinsley the pressing question we all wanted to know: ‘was it the same jail you went to?’ In case you weren’t aware, Tinsley and Luann were both arrested in Palm Beach – they did in fact go to the same jail, however, Tinsley wants to make it very clear that she was only arrested with misdemeanor charges, and Luann is being charged with four felonies. #BigDifference.

We even get a cute little mugshot comparison – they’re strikingly similar, minus the smirk on Luann’s face.

Welp, we come back from commercials and still no Lu. Instead, we have footage of Sonja’s construction, which is a hot mess. Where are Chip and Joanna Gaines when you need them? I would actually love a Fixer Upper/RHONY crossover because I feel like it would totally be Sonja trying to hit on Chip but him being absolutely terrified.

chip and jo'.gif
https://giphy.com/gifs/chip-8393MFTVHOwOA

The house is draped in clear plastic, belongings are everywhere, and it wouldn’t be Sonja if we didn’t get a little bit of #TMI – she can’t find her underwear. It’s like Grey Gardens all over again. In addition to the B Roll of her shoving various drops and sprays in her mouth, we hear how she offered the Countess comfort in her time of need. I really don’t care.

I’m going to get married and have kids before we hear Luann’s side of the story.

And now, for a gratuitous Ramona moment. We learn all about her skincare line. I give Ramona credit for how self absorbed she is – it’s in a completely innocent way. It’s like her head is shoved so far up her own butt, that all the oxygen is being cut off from her brain, and she’s completely unaware of herself. Sometimes, I don’t even think she’s a real human.

Here’s a direct quote from ol’ Crazy Eyes herself: ‘Just so you know, I become a maven at whatever I’m interested in/whatever I like. I mean, I become passionate, but I also become not just passionate, I become I’m very intelligent about it. I just figure it out how to make it happen and do it the right way.’ Scratch whatever I said before. We should all have the overwhelming amount of self confidence Ramona has.

ramona runway
https://gph.is/1LLX5l5

Now we cut to the SkinnyGirl Jean Launch party and not Lu. Sonja walks in looking like Ivan the Terrible’s twin sister, and asks the waiter if the falafel he’s serving is made with chickpeas. He responds that they’re garbanzo beans. Lucky for us, we find out that Sonja eats garbanzo beans, but they make her gassy.

The Sonja moments don’t stop there. Here’s another one (said in front of a fish bar): ‘I’m vegan, but when I’m vegan I allow myself shellfish because they’re raw.’ Somebody call PETA, cause that’s not how ANY of this works.

vegan
http://gph.is/1UkMLXr

Dorinda and Bethenny start fighting over #NutcrackerGate, and all I took from this, is that Dorinda’s second interview look kind of reminds me of Shannon Beador’s ‘Mrs. Roper look’ from the 70’s party in Season 11 of RHOC.

Tinsley, Dorinda, and Bethenny are discussing the arrest (a little sloppily, might I add), and Tinsley brings up a very valid point – Palm Beach is not a big place, and there was a good chance she’d run into Tom. She took the risk.

Sonja tells a much younger waiter she’ll let him ‘pet her poodle.’ I don’t plan on using that line anytime soon.

We are now just over a half hour into this episode and still no Countess.

And now Carole and Bethenny meet. This is going to go over like a fart in Church. They discuss the Adam situation, Bethenny’s feelings about Carole’s reaction to her text expressing she was upset, and Carole being butt hurt over Bethenny telling the group she thought she was ‘sad’ over her breakup with Adam. Carole is too cool for emotions. These girls are going tit for tat and it’s cutting into my Luann time. There’s some sort of ‘resolution,’ but I don’t think it’s going to last long, given the girls fight over hugging it out.

Sonja’s been raiding Ivan the Terrible’s closet again! And this time, she’s off to stay at Tinsley’s while Chip and Jo are (not) working on her house! It’s like a Twilight Zone version of last season.

Tinsley is clearly still repenting for not being a grateful houseguest to Sonja. She does so by stating ‘there are no rules,’ and offers Sonja a Penthouse Suite. There’s even a present for her: a Louis Vuitton overnight bag with sequin slippers and a cute robe. It’s kind of like when I planned a Disney trip for my friends and I, and I wanted to get personalized pins left for us at check-in. Except it wasn’t like that, because I’m poor, and got told I could ask for them when I got there.

Remember when I thought we would only have to wait one commercial break before hearing from Luann? Much like my dating life, that was me being unrealistically optimistic. We’re 55 minutes into the episode and LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS THE COUNTESS SPEAKING (via a phonecall to Dorinda from Rehab).

Lu is blaming her arrest on all of the memories of Tom coming back – saying she ate at a bunch of restaurants they used to go to, and even SAT IN THE SAME SEATS. At this point, I feel the most normal and sane I have ever felt in my life. Can somebody show these clips to my exes?

Luann says she’s trying to figure out what went wrong. I’m thinking it was the part where she traveled to the place she and her ex got married to and spent a lot of time together. Just an idea. She’s ‘reconnecting with her soul,’ though, so that’s good! Chic c’est la vie Lu; sa bonne, sa bonne.

***(the gif below says c’est bon, but I’m seeing sa bonne everywhere)***

luann
https://gph.is/1niFHpj

FIN

Come back next week for another RHONY Recap!

Diana

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