I Too Need a Shot of Don Julio 1942 After Watching This: Below Deck Med Recap

Ah Tuesdays – the day I get to see the gorgeous sights of the Mediterranean (and Chef Adam Glick) through my TV Screen. I’m talking Below Deck: Mediterranean. Let’s dig in to this week’s episode.

This week opens as last week ended – with Captain Sandy confronting Hannah about what she feels is the sucky service onboard the yacht. Okay. So these people are literally having their bags brought everywhere for them, they’re being served an 84 course meal, and the floor is so clean you can lick it…but when toast comes out late, the service sucks #logic.

First of all, #Queen Hannah is holding that yacht together by a thread with essentially one less crew member due to Kasey’s past illness and skill level. It’s not like she was off watching ‘Orange is the New Black’ reruns in her bunk, she was handling provisions during her time to sleep. I can’t help but feel Captain Sandy still has it out for Hannah after what went down last season. No one comes after my girl. (Hannah is my best friend in my mind, where we enjoy Aperol Spritzes togeths on a regular basis).

Aperol.gif
https://giphy.com/gifs/chelseashow-netflix-party-l0Iy77CLanDoCTpMk

Fast forward to the tip meeting…Captain Sandy is really ripping this crew a new one. Although she is visibly angry, she seems like a tame little puppy compared to Captain Lee. I can’t imagine how he would’ve handled this.

Captain Sandy meets with Chef Adam in the bridge, and once again complains about how that damn toast wasn’t out quick enough. Adam throws Hannah under the bus…welp, only took him 4 episodes.

Hannah Kidding
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The charter is over, so it’s time for the crew to enjoy a night out…these are mine (and probably everyone else’s) favorite scenes of the show. Joao is once again demonstrating that he majored in f**kboy in college by flirting with both Kasey and the stew that is forgettable and resembles Kate Middleton. PS I don’t understand how the forgettable stew is so into this slimeball. (I know, her name is Brooke).

Then, any shred of hope we had for Adam is crushed when he makes comments at the table alluding to the fact that the service at the restaurant is better than Hannah’s onboard. Oh Adam, you’re lucky you’re easy on the eyes…

Hannah and #BabyBosun Conrad have a moment outside the restaurant, which continues on deck when they get back. Conrad confesses that he likes Hannah but ‘needs time.’ Conrad is every single man on this planet. They kiss. How nice for them.

On a less bitter note, how did Kasey get this job? My Mom still does my laundry #spoiled, and even I know delicates are separated from regulars and DON’T go in the dryer. Oh, sweetie…

Kasey
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Whiny Deckhand Jamie has complained ALL season that she hasn’t gotten any action working on deck, meanwhile she’s napping instead of working. Piece of advice boo, you probably shouldn’t be making Joao look good.

…and speaking of, that quickly went down the drain when Joao snapped at Jamie shortly after. All is right with the world again.

Later in the day, #Who’sThatStewAgain Brooke decides she has a crush on Adam too. Let’s break this down – she started the charter attached at the hip to her boyfriend, moved on to Jerky Joao (who she told she wanted space), and now declares her lust for Adam. My head hurts from this whiplash. Homegirl is TRYING for a storyline. She’s the Scheana Shay of the Med. (I wonder if Chef Adam can hang a TV in 7 minutes?)

The guests arrive, and they are somehow WORSE than the ones in the first episode (you know, with the red head who looked an awful lot like Madame Medusa from The Rescuers). The charter is immediately ruined because wrong type of tequila was purchased. To me, tequila is tequila. If it has me climbing into carry on measuring bins after a Guns n Roses concert, it’s doing its job no matter what the brand (that may or may not be a true story).

Colin makes one of two appearances on this episode to drop an anchor. Cool.

Lunch rolls around and these guests are still whining about their tequila, and are having some very educated dialogue with Hannah. /sarcasm. See below:

Guest: ‘What’s for lunch?’
Hannah: ‘Chinese chicken salad.’
Guest: ‘But you’re not Chinese!’

The remainder of guests laugh as if this were Joan Rivers reincarnated standing before them. Not sure why they did – that comment was as stupid as it was not funny.

Here’s another gem:

Guest: ‘Is the chicken Kosher?’
Hannah: ‘I’ll find out for you.’
Guest: ‘I don’t eat Kosher.’

One guest complains about the salad, and another asks for a FREAKING ETA on the bottle of tequila that is being FLOWN OUT to them. You read that sentence right, I promise.

Hannah, don’t jump. It will be okay. I promise.

…on second thought, after watching the 200 years it took Kasey to wash ONE DISH, I’ll give you a boost up the railing if you need.

Chef Adam may be joining Hannah on her jump off the boat, as he meets with the guests and Captain Sandy to discuss the dinner menu. The menu started out as a ‘simple’ surf and turf, but then escalates into a pasta dish, mac and cheese, tuna tartare, salad, more steak, and then a birthday cake. I’m also jumping off the boat, because I’m salty these girls can eat this much and look the way they do.

The tequila is now delivered to the boat via tender and I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

Colin finds his way back to the TV to say he now he has a crush on Brooke.  When it comes to guys for her, #It’sAllHappening.

In a much more interesting storyline, the guests are an hour and a half late to dinner (which is getting cold). Adam is mad. I’m sure Brooke finds this attractive. I kind of did too.

FIN.

Come back next week for another recap!

Diana

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