Just when I thought the Tres Amigas in the OC took the title of Best Housewives Episode of all time, the RHONY ladies quickly said ‘hold my pinot.’ Grab your life jackets and some toilet paper…and hang on tight – cause we are in for one hell of a ride in this RHONY recap!
I think it’s safe to say this Cartagena vacation hasn’t been a vacation at all. I’m not even on this trip and I feel emotionally exhausted – you would think the ladies would be tired of fighting too, and maybe push their feelings aside and enjoy their trip. If that were the case, this would not be a Bravo show.
This breakfast is so awkward, I’m cringe sweating for everyone at the table. Luann is coming in hot – she’s (rightfully) still angry at Dorinda’s cruel words to her. She starts off by telling the table that she doesn’t take her
former Countess title seriously, and compares it to a stage name. Everyone on this planet knows that’s a crock of shit. ‘Call me Lu,’ she insists, and repeats right as Dorinda walks over and grabs a cup of coffee. Dorinda responds just as one who has just woken up and is being provoked would.
I have to say, being from Staten Island, there’s something so comforting and nostalgic about when Dorinda gets angry. The way her accent gets thicker, her responses get quicker, pointing her fingers and flailing her hands – it feels like home. Somebody pass me the antipasto and pour me some wine.
Carole and Bethenny must have felt like their fight spotlight was being stolen, because now they’re yelling at one another for the 53rd time this season. Keep in mind we’re not even 10 minutes into this episode. Somehow, throughout all of this fighting, I can’t take my eyes off of those poor waiters who are having to endure this cringefest. They’re standing in the back – some against the wall – hoping they don’t get hit with the cutlery they so nicely laid out for everyone. I’m expecting ‘The Sound of Silence’ to start playing behind them.
Then something EERIE happens – Carole says ‘let me cancel the boat trip,’ but of course, she does not. Now we all as viewers know about the boat accident that was coming, but obviously the ladies are unaware. If this isn’t proof that you should always trust your first instinct, I don’t know what is.
Dorinda and Luann sort their issue out – or at least it seems that way, but back at the breakfast, Bethenny is still babbling on and on about Carole. So much, that she doesn’t notice when Carole arrives back at the table. Talk about awkward. Bethenny tries to save herself by saying she would say all of that to Carole’s face anyway, but the damage is done. I don’t think there is any saving this friendship. It’s sad, because you can see the hurt and love these women have for one another, but they just handle conflict too differently.
The ladies load in the van and are off to the boat, but before we can get there, another amazing moment of foreshadowing takes place. When passing a fruit stand, Bethenny mentions she’d eat the watermelon right off the street, and Lu responds by saying it would give her diarrhea. Little did Luann know she was about to eat her words…or in this case…poop her words?
The ladies board the yacht, and now it feels like a true Housewives vacation – drinking, dancing, luxury – it’s the most fun we’ve had in quite a few episodes. Too bad it’s all about to go downhill very soon.
Perhaps my favorite part of this whole episode is Sonja and the price tags on her bathing suit. Her reasoning for leaving the tags on, is that if she wants to sell the suit at the consignment store, she gets more money with the tag on. You would think someone with the last name Morgan, as in the J.P. Morgan, wouldn’t even think of such a thing. He is definitely LOVING THIS…/sarcasm. I’m not sure which is tackier – the preserved price tags, or Sonja’s drunken dance moves.
I don’t know if it’s the sun, or maybe she had a gut feeling something bad was about to happen, but Dorinda finally realizes just how hurtful her actions to Luann were. She apologizes, but wants us all to know that she does not have a drinking problem.
It’s time to rehearse for #CountessandFriends because show business never takes a day off. I’m having flashbacks to my dance teacher who would make us rehearse anywhere and everywhere. Even though our stretches were very effective, they a little risque looking…but she didn’t care. I kid you not, a whole wedding walked into their reception, and we greeted them in front of the hotel with our legs. I digress.
Lu needs a beatboxer for this rehearsal…someone to go ‘boo, boo, boo.’ This is something my Mom would do/say. But alas, rehearsal is called off as no one will drop any beats, and the tour guide comes in saying the ladies need to leave due to choppy waters.
I’m getting seasick just watching this boat ride, and I’m also getting a headache from listening to Sonja and Tinsley yell at each other. ‘THIS ISN’T NORMAL” Sonja yells, “THIS IS NORMAL, BECAUSE YOU GO LIKE THIS…” Tinsley explains, as she waves her arm up and down in a motion you would not want a boat to make. You know things are bad when Ramona looks like the picture of sanity.
‘This is normal. You slap through the earth.”
-Tinsley, using science to explain how the boat navigates the rocky waves.
Sonja pees on Ramona’s cover up, Carole is puking, and Dorinda is calling for the life jackets. The boat is rocking, furniture is flying, they’re taking on water, and I saw all of their lives flash before my eyes. Things got so bad, production had to stop filming because they needed to grab something to hold on to. You know there’s an issue when Bravo needs to break the fourth wall.
The women explain that the anchor dropped, and could not be reeled back in. My favorite description is when the Countess said the ‘captain ran out with two swords ala Pirates of the Carribean’ to cut the anchor. I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought that was hot, because we all know Luann loves a good pirate. I wonder what Captain Lee and Captain Sandy would think of this performance?
Just when we thought this trip couldn’t go any further down the toilet, everyone who ate the paella came down with diarrhea. You can’t make this shit up.
It’s time for the ladies to head back to the Big Apple, but they leave a few ‘surprises’ for the staff back at the house, who I’m sure has had enough of their crap.
This was a fun recap!
Until next time,