Hi there friends.
Just as our favorite crew members took a day off last episode, so did I. I had quite the crazy trip in Miami, and I was beat. I also like how I am assuming people missed me, who am I kidding? Lol.
I got to chat with some yachties on South Beach one night, and they were very impressed with the questions I asked them #Winning. What can I say, I learn from the best. Hannah, when should I expect my epaulettes?
Moving on to what you came here for…the show. (Again, here’s me assuming people want to read what I write, hahaha).
It’s time for the ever detestable beach picnic! We knew this was coming, there’s always at least one per season. Let’s do a lil drinking game – shall we? Take a sippy sippy when the following happens:
- The tent blows away
- There is an issue with the timing of the food, or getting it onto the beach
- We run out of some supply
- There is an issue with the timing of the guests or getting them to the beach.
Here comes Kasey – just when I was starting to like her, she not only questions whether or not Hannah has a hangover, but also proclaims that the charter is running a lot more smoothly without Hannah. Anxiety is no joke, babe. And FYIsies, the last time in Below Deck history a 3rd Stew was right about the amount of work she puts in was never. Have you watched any past seasons?
Also currently annoying me is this guest. He’s really going to milk the ever loving you-know-what out of this no onions thing, isn’t he? Chill sir – you were on an episode or two last season. The no onion hats were cute and kind of funny, but now it’s overkill. No one is here for your #15MinutesofFame. Also why would you want to be associated with a God awful smelling vegetable?
Can we talk about how wonderful and sensitive Adam has been in the past two episodes? I love seeing this side of him. You may argue that I love seeing any side of Adam, and that is definitely the case. But it is so nice to see this caring side to him. Also Hannah, I love you, but when Adam asked you if you wanted to make out (albeit jokingly), I have never been more ready to push you aside and swoop in. We still girls, right?
PERFECT MEN DON’T EXIST CONRAD YOU LITTLE BABY BOSUN ANGEL TELLING US HOW YOU NEVER WANT TO ABANDON ANYONE LIKE YOU WERE LEFT BY YOUR DAD. And then he goes to comfort Hannah while she’s anxious?! Amazing. There’s no way this man is real. Conrad, you little unicorn, can you like DM me, I have like 3 guys in mind you need to teach some things to. You’re wonderful. Never change.
So it looks like perfect little Brooke pulled off the perfect little beach picnic, and now I’m even less of a fan of her because she RUINED MY DRINKING GAME. #ThanksBrooke.
Well maybe our drinking game isn’t totally ruined – it looks like dinner is ready but not all of the guests are! We can take half a sip for that. Or drink the whole glass, I really don’t care. The primary is napping at 10pm, and he’s making everyone wait for dinner. I have a few problems with this – a) if you catch me napping at 10pm, it’s no longer a nap. My ass is done for the night. b) WHY WOULD ANYONE SLEEP THROUGH FOOD? Also, can we just – why do all of these guests eat so late? Dinner to me is at 6pm…does that make me a senior citizen? If so, pass the jello.
Back to the charter guests – they keep showing this one guy’s ‘Former NBA Player’ lower 3rd, and once again…I don’t care.
Has anyone seen Colin?
Oh! There he is. That was honestly a coincidence. I relate so hard to him…I too enjoy when people make me feel like the world’s greatest comedian. Which is how I feel when you guys like these mostly weekly recaps I write. #ThereIGoAssumingAgain.
We start off another day, and I’m beyond impressed with Hannah. She’s choosing to put a brave face on and go back to work. I too suffer from anxiety, and there’s a point where you just become tough enough to say ‘I’m not going to let this get the best of me,’ and you power through it. Inside, she’s probably dying, but on the outside, she’s fierce AF. Well done, sista.
Wait do all of the guests have these stupid no onions hats? Can someone kill me? How am I just noticing this?
We’re now changing the drinking game rules to drink every time you hear or see the word onions. Maybe this is how the guest developed his aversion to the vegetable.
Another rule to our drinking game: take a drink every time Captain Sandy blames something on Hannah! Because somehow Conrad being confused is all Hannah’s fault.
I’m going to take the time during this useless scene of Joao and Brooke to speak about what Kasey just said. She literally just held up a towel and said ‘why is this so wet? What the f**k do these people do?’ They SWIM Kasey in the big blue ocean you’re SURROUNDED BY. Did you put marine biologist on your CV too?
Uh-oh! Looks like Captain Sandy is #BigMad, but this monologue is looking like her audition tape for The Real Housewives. Some highlights include:
‘Get Hannah back to this boat now. I’m not f**king happy.’
‘I am so f**king pissed.’
‘I want to fire her f**king ass.’
Also, she’s like awkwardly pacing and waving frantically. Thankfully all the tables in the bridge are bolted down, so she cant get all Teresa Giudice up in here.
^This is actual footage of Captain Sandy freaking out over Hannah.
THEN THEN THEN when Hannah follows orders and comes to the bridge as soon as she arrives, Captain Sandy says ‘get away from me.’ I’m confused.
Oh good, a to be continued. Thanks Bravo!
In the words of Andy Cohen and logic, if you’ve been playing along with the drinking game, NO DRIVING!