This yacht is automatic, it’s systematic, it’s DRAMMMAAAATIC! Why it’s Below Deck Med!
I’m just going to warn you, I’m feeling excitement over leaving for a trip in 2 days and I’m also just took some cold meds because lucky me got sick a few days ago. So things are about to get weird.
Our night begins with a charter guest in the galley complaining that dinner isn’t out on time. Adam is just as angry as I was last week when it was storming and my cable went out, and I thought I was missing a new episode of Below Deck. But, just like my night ended well when I realized there was no new episode, so does Chef Adam’s – the guests are pleased as punch with his food and even call his sear Michelin Star quality #FullCircle #ILoveaGoodTheme.
Downstairs, the crew’s dinner gets a whole lot more awkward when Joao decides to tell Captain Sandy and Conrad he plans ‘upgrade his position,’ in the same way a girl would tell her friend she’s ready to upgrade from a bikini full wax to a Brazilian at European Wax Center.
Kasey and Jamie, two normally insignificant characters earn their place on this show and find the Holy Grail of bizarre guest belongings…a mask menagerie, if you will. Unicorns, pigs, leopards…I’m weirded out. But the only thing weirder is Colin’s attempt at flirting with Brooke.
“You know what I just thought of? If I could arrange the alphabet, I’d put U & I together.”
Cringe sweats. You know it’s bad, when Brooke, whose standards are lower than mens’ sagging pants in the mid 2000’s, is not impressed.
The boat docks in in Capri, and there is a cool ski lift to get on top of the mountain. I have a few problems with this:
- That thing looks like it’s running way too fast
- Why the hell would you let coolers with precious food and alcohol ride unattended?
- Can we take the first charter guests and launch them off of it?
In what may be one of the best Bravo editing moments ever, Joao is talking about how he’s dated practically every girl who lives in Zimbabwe, and like magic, the perfect throwback pic – him in man pigtails. I think we’ve finally found something weirder than the guests animal masks, and douchier than man buns. I loled for a good 15 seconds. Thank you, Bravo production team. #Blessed.
Everyone is really seasick at dinner, and this is reminiscent of me at brunch during my friends’ joint Bachelor/Bachelorette party two weekends ago. Except I wasn’t seasick, I was hungover #Honest. Not being able to keep food down isn’t really a good time. So the guest makes a somewhat reasonable request (more reasonable than white gumballs only) for chicken noodle soup. Hannah asks Adam if there is any way he could whip up some chicken noodle soup, even though she’s not 100% sure this can be done. She knows better than to flat out reject a guest’s request because she’s good at her job. Adam, flips out on Hannah, and you would think she just asked him for something ridiculous like original footage from the Mars Rover.
We flashback to his Toy Story-esque ‘meeting,’ where he basically tells the interior crew ‘if you don’t know about it in advance, it won’t be made. Dude, if I’m paying out the wazoo for a yacht, I expect the crew to at least ask if my wishes can be met. Best part? He ends up making the chicken soup! It’s like he was looking for an excuse to whine. Adam, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.
Adam and Captain Sandy must be drinking the same contradictory juice, because when Hannah asks Captain Sandy if she wants some food, she replies with ‘definitely want food, but I can’t eat now.’ Hannah, again, being good at her job states she’ll keep it in the pantry. Captain Sandy questions why Hannah won’t bring the food in and sends Conrad out for it? YOU JUST SAID YOU CAN’T EAT NOW. #Logic. As if all that wasn’t enough, she goes into a rage about Conrad telling Hannah about said food.
Not really digging the bitchosaurus rex look on you, Captain Sandy. It’s like in Grease when Sandy gets her backbone, but instead of coming out in a cute monochromatic off the shoulder number with a bad ass attitude, Captain Sandy comes out in a Yacht Tracksuit Uniform and is just plain pissy. #YouBetterShapeUp.
Look at me, I’m Captain Sandy! Sailing a yacht on the Med sea! Won’t go to bed until I get fed! I can’t, I’m Captain Sandy!
Conrad does the responsible thing and confronts Sandy about her changing attitude towards him. She basically tells him to either choose his job or Hannah, which is hypocrisy at it’s finest! Let’s flashback to last season where Captain Sandy was okay with Wes choosing Malia over Bobby as lead deckhand…which was definitely NOT because he was sleeping with her /sarcasm. Seems like Captain Sandy’s problem is less about Conrad and Hannah, and more with just Hannah.
Yachty lovin’ had Hannah and Conrad a blast. Yachty lovin’ happened so fast. Conrad met a girl on the high seas! Hannah met the wrath of Captain Sandy!
Captain Sandy you-know-what blocking Conrad and Hannah is also her you-know-what blocking us as an audience, I’m just saying. I am just hopelessly devoted to this romance. Okay, that’s enough of the Grease references, I’m sorry.
On a more fabulous note, the crew is planning a surprise birthday party for Hannah, and I’m worried that Captain Sandy is going to like stomp all over it, or something. But overall, it seems like it’s a fun bash!
Can we just talk about something for a second? How in the does Joao think it appropriate to invite his friends to Hannah’s party? You literally just broke a glass in this chick’s face last episode, and now you’re having your friends celebrate her special day? Damn, those pigtails gave you some pretty big balls. Speaking of those, Joao’s decided he’s made his decision and he wants Kasey. He even offered her a one way ticket to Zimbabwe. Cut to Brooke, who is not happy.
…but not as unhappy as Hannah is with those pink crocs she got for her gift! Girl, I don’t blame you for throwing those overboard.
Back to our ‘why the f does this even exist’ love triangle between Kasey, Joao, and Brooke – Brooke decides she’s going to creep her way into Joao’s pants heart. ‘Just tell me how you really feel,’ she says, in a very ‘come play with us’ twins from the Shining adjacent way. Also can we talk about how her eyes are just like deadpan open when he goes to kiss her? Then we are forced to watch this awkward kiss for entirely too long.
^I’m aware I used this GIF for Brooke a few blogs ago, but come on, it’s just too good.
And on that note, the episode ends.
FIN.
I will hopefully be back next week with another recap, however, I will be arriving home from a Bachelorette Party in Miami that night, so I may be post vacation sad/still drunk/hungover/all of the above and won’t make any promises.
-Diana
dianagebbia.com 