America Didn’t Ask for This (and Other Names for Austen’s Beer Line): A Southern Charm Recap

This season started off so chock full of drama, that it was bound to hit a bit of a lull at some point. That happened this week, with Bravo forcing us to do a keg stand full of Austen’s beer.


This week starts off with Craig and Austen on a journey to Greenville to pick up Austen’s first batch of beer. I’ll admit I couldn’t look at the screen for most of this. Craig is in a brace after slicing his pinky tendons with a knife, and I felt pain in my hand the entire time watching him move his. I threw up a little in my mouth while writing that sentence. #SqueamishAF.

The guys are talking about how Austen’s GF Victoria was a little irked after seeing a pic of her BF and Chelsea getting close on a boat. “Girls are f****ing crazy, man!” Craig proclaims! The guys in this cast are the picture of sanity: Thomas’ abuse allegations and criminal record, Shep being unable to find love, Whitney and his Mom, and JD cheating on his wife and not paying his bills. BUT –  the girls are crazy. Got it, Craiggy Poo.

We now get to follow two of these ‘crazy’ girls to the beach – Chelsea and Naomie (okay, Naomie did take an express trip on the crazy train this season, but she got off at the first stop she could). They’re discussing everyone’s favorite Southern Love Triangle – Thomas, Kathryn, and Satan Ashley. Naomie reveals that Kathryn’s daughter Kensie actually called her Ashley. This is infuriating. How Thomas still has custody of these children after his past behaviors and current events is beyond me. Kathryn has made leaps and bounds and truly loves these children. Here’s hoping she has full custody once again one day. /rantover.

‘Crazy girl’ Chelsea very rationally says that she can’t hang out with Austen and Victoria if they are in a relationship because it makes her uncomfortable. WATCH OUT cause these girls are PSYCHO. /sarcasm.

Now we get to see Austen be a total beer snob, and Craig pretending to talk beer is the only this scene’s only saving grace.

“It’s a citrus but it’s a lemon citrus. Um, like I thought it might be more red fruit, and I get more of a yellow fruit. Would it make sense if I said it was kind of woody? There’s wood in it.

-Craig Conover, beer connoisseur.

I’m so excited we get to see Mamma Cam in action! I adore how real she’s kept it throughout her pregnancy, and I’m positive she’s going to be just as true now that Baby P is here! (Not even two seconds later, Cameran reveals that she hasn’t showered in 2 weeks and her ‘armpits were on the verge of looking like a man.’) Cameran, on behalf of all cynics such as myself, thank you for not being one of those ‘Motherhood is like pooping out sunshine 100% of the time’ Moms.

More #CameranMomTruths:

  • She’s not having another kid
  • She and Jason sobbed the second night after coming home from the hospital and asked ‘What have we done?’ ‘We’ve had a great life?’ ‘Why did we do this?’
  • After a few days she’s learned to understand Baby Palmer

Cameran is the truth we need in the world. That being said, I still want a ton of kids one day.



Kathryn and Craig meet for coffee and I immediately snap my head away from the TV because Craig is moving his cast again. They discuss basically what all of America is thinking: Trashley is a money hungry, unstable, witch. They think a normally frugal Thomas is spending all of his money on Cashley to keep her at bay.

Not gonna lie, I thought this theory would be proven right when we see Whitney and Thomas in a jewelry store just one scene later, but they’re actually shopping for a new ring with the Ravenel family crest on it. This show is so excessive and I love it. If my family had a crest I feel like it’d include a Calzone and an Italian Flag.


I spoke too soon, Thomas now wants to buy matching rings for him and Ashley. Let it be known that on June 14th, 2018, I sided with Whitney Sudler Smith for the first time, when he looked at Thomas in disbelief. T-Rav wants this ring to ‘signify the future, but without sending a mixed signal.’ This woman has been BEGGING you for a ring and a child all season. Tread lightly, Thomas.

For the third time this episode, I’ve tasted my own vomit when Craig again explains how he sent a knife through his hand. On a much more palatable topic, he’s picking out some fabrics for his pillow designs. I love it when Craig is passionate about his sewing, it’s the cutest thing ever.

Craig Sewing



Shep is such a source of comic relief throughout this series, and in true Shep fashion, we find him dropping-trou in the middle of a bowling alley to put on his knee brace after his surgery. If I had as much money as his family does, I probably wouldn’t realize that’s not socially acceptable either. He does it in such an arrogant yet innocent way. But remember, the girls are the crazy ones in Charleston.

Side note – please realize that as much as I bash this cast, it is coming from a place of complete love and adoration. Minus Ashley. She’s truly the devil.

Kathryn joins him, and I wish she had gotten there just a few minutes sooner to witness Shep use the bowling alley as a changing room. Shep is lamenting ‘cutting the cord’ between he and Kathryn too soon (man translation, years later, he finally realizes how dumb it was to stop returning her calls after they had slept together.)

It seems the feelings are mutual though, because Kathryn confesses she had a dream that Shep told her he loved her. And this conversation goes A LOT BETTER than the infamous ‘but what if I love you’ moment Landon had with him 2 seasons ago. I think Kathryn deserves to be happy, but I’m not sure if I’m on board with this whole RelationShep yet. Something feels weird.

It seems Bravo is trying to make this whole Austen beer debut party a thing, so I guess I’ll go with it…but not without resistance. Austen and his friend Alexandra are discussing the Victoria/Chelsea drama and the two are drinking Mimosas and picking out outfits. I’m confused because this literally looks like the Friday afternoon I’ve had with my pal Nicole a few weeks back, but okay. Will they paint each other’s nails next? Maybe Ashley could loan Austen the color she used on Thomas while she was holding him hostage relaxing with him in Hilton Head.

Ashley’s back from California with a fresh blowout, and everyone in America lets out a collective groan (except the state of California, which I can hear celebrating all the way from New Jersey).

Quick cut to Austen setting up his beer debut and he wants suggestions for his beer names. Here are mine:

  • Thanks for my beer line, Mom and Dad
  • Three’s a crowd
  • This is my way of procrastinating getting a real job
  • I’m shocked Bravo brought me back for another season too

I’ll work on them.

This beer is apparently so good, Austen can’t recognize his family when they first arrive! They all approve of his beer and WE ARE JUST SO RELIEVED!

JD shows up and I vomit a little for a fourth time. I can smell his bad cologne through my TV.

Peyton, Ashley, and Chelsea’s friend are all wearing a variety of the same outfit.

Take a shot every time insecure Ashley rears her ugly head. Our first shot comes after she prompts Thomas not to stare at Kathryn. Craig asks Ashley if she’s spoke to Kathryn since Hilton Head. ‘Who’s Kathryn?’ Ashley retorts. Take another shot. Now she’s making a failed attempt at getting pity from Craig because of her fight with Thomas.

Whitney is wearing one of his Mother’s coats.

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for (said no one ever), the completely forced Victoria/Chelsea confrontation. These girls were friends at one point and they’re ‘fighting’ over this stupid Southern Bobblehead. I don’t get it. Can we stop trying to make Austen happen?

The forced confrontation begins when Victoria is telling her two ‘friends’ Kathryn and Naomie that Austen was ‘telling me trepidation?’ Someone must have fed her her line wrong. No one can understand what she’s trying to say…not even Victoria herself. Chelsea realizes Victoria is clearly blowing this staged fight, so she asks if they can speak for a moment. I wish Chelsea was my best friend.

I can’t even recap this ‘fight,’ that’s how boring it is. Just know that Victoria’s mad at that shoulder kissin’ photo and Chelsea tells her she isn’t after Austen.

Here’s hoping for better drama next week…we were doing so well this season!







Let’s Start a GoFund Me to Make Up for the Horrible Tip these Guests Left: A Below Deck Recap

“Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, off rude ass guests who abuse a crew and leave a pitiful tip!” For those of you under the age of 65, google the Gilligan’s Island theme song, and you’ll get it. It’s time for another Below Deck Recap!


We return to the yacht where Adam is hard at work on the ridiculous dinner menu that the guests requested last episode (to refresh your memory, it included surf and turf and tuna tartare). The guests are now over 2 and a half hours late for dinner. Why anyone would be late to eat, is beyond me. I’m ready for dinner as I’m eating my last bite of lunch.

As if the freaking STEAK, LOBSTER, AND TUNA aren’t enough, the guests decide they want…french fries. Yes…they literally just ate a meal that could have been served at the Royal Wedding, and now they want fried potatoes. I hate these guests.

A beautiful cake is brought out, and the guests are less than impressed when the candles won’t light due to strong winds. A ‘firecracker candle’ is demanded. Guest logic = when the 99 cent candles won’t light, bring out the big sparkly thing filled with fire that could burn your face off if you breathe on it the wrong way. I’m guessing they failed physics.

candle .gif

Hannah further proves that she is my spirit animal, by lighting said ‘firecracker candle’ and setting all the yacht fire alarms off. Enter Captain Sandy, who is ANGRY. Like I’m talking I wonder if she’s the one who set off the fire alarms, mad.

Kasey is up bright and early to serve the guests – so right now, we basically have no crew members working. Little lady finds her first of probably many challenges of the day in making a Bloody Mary. Okay, even I know it’s tomato juice, vodka, celery, seasoning or whatever…and then when you mess up…more vodka. Done. Get the guests drunk enough so they can’t even tell you made the worst Bloody Mary ever. I would make a great stew.

Joao almost has a human moment by asking the whiny deckhand who has done more work as a stew this charter season, if she wants to pursue life as a deckhand. He quickly ruins it by asking Jamie who she thinks he’d most likely go for (Brooke or Kasey).

Brooke is upset she’s missing her sister’s wedding. A grand total of 2 people watching this care (Brooke and her sister).

After breakfast, these guests are basically holding the 2018 Water Olympics. They demand the slide, water trampoline, jet-ski, kayak…sheesh. I feel like these Olympics would have a great Opening Ceremony – a performance from Colin, Chef Adam dressed as the hot guy from Tonga…just no torches. We all know how Captain Sandy gets around fire.


Hannah brings out lunch, and the idiot charter guest manages to top his moronic ‘but you’re not Chinese’ comment from last week by inventing issues with the food. The meal is brought to the table in shifts, because you know, Hannah only has two hands. Idiot guest asks where the burgers are. When his fellow scholarly friends point out the obvious burgers on the table, he replies with ‘where’s the bun? I need a real burger.’ As opposed to…?

Hannah saves the day as always by bringing out the buns…but you can see the steam coming out of this guy’s head (much like the fresh burgers) as he tries his hardest to think up another complaint. Here’s what he comes up with:

‘I need my bun toasted.’

He’s stuttering saying that because I think even he realizes what a dope he is. If I were Hannah I would have replied saying ‘would you like your bun toasted as much as your brain is?’ Maybe I would not be a great stew.

I would definitely make a better stew than Kasey, who is complaining that she isn’t being challenged, and is trapped in the laundry room. You had your challenge in the Bloody Mary this morning, and we all saw how that unfolded, so folding laundry is the best place for you.

The guests are going on a banana boat now and I hope one or all of them falls off.

Sadly, all guests return to the ship, and I swear they watched a webinar on how to be more of an asshole before dinner, because this meal is off to a horrible start. One guest is complaining about how the croutons may or may not be vegan. The primary won’t eat until she is told a description of the menu. It gets worse when the guests send their steak back to get reheated.

Finally, the guests are leaving and it is like Christmas in June.

Upon exit, the primary tries to imply that the crew did not provide exceptional service. Wouldn’t it be great if a giant seagull came down and ate this woman whole?

Brooke and Hannah are reviewing Kasey’s resume and I can’t help but notice she has a photo of herself in a bikini and flower crown? Finally, we know how she got this job with little to no experience. Do you think NASA will accept a job application from me if I attach a photo of myself in a bikini and flower crown? #Inspired.

These ungrateful guests only leave $12,000 as a tip (I know, I can’t believe I typed that either, but that is not a lot of money in the yacht world). I’m hoping these guests disintegrated somewhere.

The crew is out to eat, and Brooke is having Chef Adam show off his tattooed arms. There are a bunch of pizzas from Italy on table, and all I can think of is how amazing that mans arms look. I’m sorry. I apologize for how unnecessarily creepy that was. Luckily for me, Joao ups my creep level by making some weird ass growl when talking about how hot he finds Kasey. Thanks for doing me a solid, Joao.

Brooke somehow manages to make Joao and I look completely sane by crazy eye staring straight into Adam’s soul after discussing how sex is better when you have a connection with your significant other.

crazy gf


That’s enough for tonight.


See you next week for another Below Deck recap!






Ladies and Gentlemen, this is The Countess Speaking (55 Minutes Later): A RHONY Recap

It’s RHONY time, and I’ve been like a little dog drooling ever since we saw the police cruiser cam footage of the Countess getting arrested last week…finally that moment has arrived!

…or maybe not. In true Bravo style, we don’t open with the continuation of Luann’s arrest. Why would they give the people what we’ve been dying for? Instead, we begin our night with clips of the ladies running some errands. Fascinating.

Bravo gains a little bit of my respect back when we cut to Dorinda hobbling with a cane due to a Christofel salt shaker falling on her foot. Those things range from anywhere from $300-$700. I think that salt shaker would sooner fall into a puddle of mud before ever touching my poor person foot.

Help Poor

Finally, Bravo decides to answer our prayers and bring up Luann’s arrest 3 minutes into the episode in the form of a totally natural, and non-scripted phone conversation between Tinsley and Carole…

…but, not before we hear a truly riveting story about Tinsley’s trip with Scott. Both ladies express their concern in the most true to their self ways – Tinsley called the Countess and offered her to come over for drinks (not that intoxication led to Luann’s arrest or anything), and Carole stated how ‘scared’ she was for Luann in the same tone that the guy at Chipotle uses when he reminds me that guac is extra.


We then get Dorinda and Ramona’s takes on the situation. Much less exciting. I’m over it, I want to see Countess Luann. I wonder if she led a cell block sing along of ‘Chic C’est La Vie…’ Sa bonne, sa bonne.

Next comes Bethenny’s opinion of the arrest…at this point, we’re probably going to have to hear from everyone except Luann and then cut to a commercial break before we finally hear the Countess recount the night.

Jump back to Tinz and Carole. Like the true journalist she is, Carole asks Tinsley the pressing question we all wanted to know: ‘was it the same jail you went to?’ In case you weren’t aware, Tinsley and Luann were both arrested in Palm Beach – they did in fact go to the same jail, however, Tinsley wants to make it very clear that she was only arrested with misdemeanor charges, and Luann is being charged with four felonies. #BigDifference.

We even get a cute little mugshot comparison – they’re strikingly similar, minus the smirk on Luann’s face.

Welp, we come back from commercials and still no Lu. Instead, we have footage of Sonja’s construction, which is a hot mess. Where are Chip and Joanna Gaines when you need them? I would actually love a Fixer Upper/RHONY crossover because I feel like it would totally be Sonja trying to hit on Chip but him being absolutely terrified.

chip and jo'.gif

The house is draped in clear plastic, belongings are everywhere, and it wouldn’t be Sonja if we didn’t get a little bit of #TMI – she can’t find her underwear. It’s like Grey Gardens all over again. In addition to the B Roll of her shoving various drops and sprays in her mouth, we hear how she offered the Countess comfort in her time of need. I really don’t care.

I’m going to get married and have kids before we hear Luann’s side of the story.

And now, for a gratuitous Ramona moment. We learn all about her skincare line. I give Ramona credit for how self absorbed she is – it’s in a completely innocent way. It’s like her head is shoved so far up her own butt, that all the oxygen is being cut off from her brain, and she’s completely unaware of herself. Sometimes, I don’t even think she’s a real human.

Here’s a direct quote from ol’ Crazy Eyes herself: ‘Just so you know, I become a maven at whatever I’m interested in/whatever I like. I mean, I become passionate, but I also become not just passionate, I become I’m very intelligent about it. I just figure it out how to make it happen and do it the right way.’ Scratch whatever I said before. We should all have the overwhelming amount of self confidence Ramona has.

ramona runway

Now we cut to the SkinnyGirl Jean Launch party and not Lu. Sonja walks in looking like Ivan the Terrible’s twin sister, and asks the waiter if the falafel he’s serving is made with chickpeas. He responds that they’re garbanzo beans. Lucky for us, we find out that Sonja eats garbanzo beans, but they make her gassy.

The Sonja moments don’t stop there. Here’s another one (said in front of a fish bar): ‘I’m vegan, but when I’m vegan I allow myself shellfish because they’re raw.’ Somebody call PETA, cause that’s not how ANY of this works.


Dorinda and Bethenny start fighting over #NutcrackerGate, and all I took from this, is that Dorinda’s second interview look kind of reminds me of Shannon Beador’s ‘Mrs. Roper look’ from the 70’s party in Season 11 of RHOC.

Tinsley, Dorinda, and Bethenny are discussing the arrest (a little sloppily, might I add), and Tinsley brings up a very valid point – Palm Beach is not a big place, and there was a good chance she’d run into Tom. She took the risk.

Sonja tells a much younger waiter she’ll let him ‘pet her poodle.’ I don’t plan on using that line anytime soon.

We are now just over a half hour into this episode and still no Countess.

And now Carole and Bethenny meet. This is going to go over like a fart in Church. They discuss the Adam situation, Bethenny’s feelings about Carole’s reaction to her text expressing she was upset, and Carole being butt hurt over Bethenny telling the group she thought she was ‘sad’ over her breakup with Adam. Carole is too cool for emotions. These girls are going tit for tat and it’s cutting into my Luann time. There’s some sort of ‘resolution,’ but I don’t think it’s going to last long, given the girls fight over hugging it out.

Sonja’s been raiding Ivan the Terrible’s closet again! And this time, she’s off to stay at Tinsley’s while Chip and Jo are (not) working on her house! It’s like a Twilight Zone version of last season.

Tinsley is clearly still repenting for not being a grateful houseguest to Sonja. She does so by stating ‘there are no rules,’ and offers Sonja a Penthouse Suite. There’s even a present for her: a Louis Vuitton overnight bag with sequin slippers and a cute robe. It’s kind of like when I planned a Disney trip for my friends and I, and I wanted to get personalized pins left for us at check-in. Except it wasn’t like that, because I’m poor, and got told I could ask for them when I got there.

Remember when I thought we would only have to wait one commercial break before hearing from Luann? Much like my dating life, that was me being unrealistically optimistic. We’re 55 minutes into the episode and LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS THE COUNTESS SPEAKING (via a phonecall to Dorinda from Rehab).

Lu is blaming her arrest on all of the memories of Tom coming back – saying she ate at a bunch of restaurants they used to go to, and even SAT IN THE SAME SEATS. At this point, I feel the most normal and sane I have ever felt in my life. Can somebody show these clips to my exes?

Luann says she’s trying to figure out what went wrong. I’m thinking it was the part where she traveled to the place she and her ex got married to and spent a lot of time together. Just an idea. She’s ‘reconnecting with her soul,’ though, so that’s good! Chic c’est la vie Lu; sa bonne, sa bonne.

***(the gif below says c’est bon, but I’m seeing sa bonne everywhere)***



Come back next week for another RHONY Recap!


I Too Need a Shot of Don Julio 1942 After Watching This: Below Deck Med Recap

Ah Tuesdays – the day I get to see the gorgeous sights of the Mediterranean (and Chef Adam Glick) through my TV Screen. I’m talking Below Deck: Mediterranean. Let’s dig in to this week’s episode.

This week opens as last week ended – with Captain Sandy confronting Hannah about what she feels is the sucky service onboard the yacht. Okay. So these people are literally having their bags brought everywhere for them, they’re being served an 84 course meal, and the floor is so clean you can lick it…but when toast comes out late, the service sucks #logic.

First of all, #Queen Hannah is holding that yacht together by a thread with essentially one less crew member due to Kasey’s past illness and skill level. It’s not like she was off watching ‘Orange is the New Black’ reruns in her bunk, she was handling provisions during her time to sleep. I can’t help but feel Captain Sandy still has it out for Hannah after what went down last season. No one comes after my girl. (Hannah is my best friend in my mind, where we enjoy Aperol Spritzes togeths on a regular basis).


Fast forward to the tip meeting…Captain Sandy is really ripping this crew a new one. Although she is visibly angry, she seems like a tame little puppy compared to Captain Lee. I can’t imagine how he would’ve handled this.

Captain Sandy meets with Chef Adam in the bridge, and once again complains about how that damn toast wasn’t out quick enough. Adam throws Hannah under the bus…welp, only took him 4 episodes.

Hannah Kidding

The charter is over, so it’s time for the crew to enjoy a night out…these are mine (and probably everyone else’s) favorite scenes of the show. Joao is once again demonstrating that he majored in f**kboy in college by flirting with both Kasey and the stew that is forgettable and resembles Kate Middleton. PS I don’t understand how the forgettable stew is so into this slimeball. (I know, her name is Brooke).

Then, any shred of hope we had for Adam is crushed when he makes comments at the table alluding to the fact that the service at the restaurant is better than Hannah’s onboard. Oh Adam, you’re lucky you’re easy on the eyes…

Hannah and #BabyBosun Conrad have a moment outside the restaurant, which continues on deck when they get back. Conrad confesses that he likes Hannah but ‘needs time.’ Conrad is every single man on this planet. They kiss. How nice for them.

On a less bitter note, how did Kasey get this job? My Mom still does my laundry #spoiled, and even I know delicates are separated from regulars and DON’T go in the dryer. Oh, sweetie…


Whiny Deckhand Jamie has complained ALL season that she hasn’t gotten any action working on deck, meanwhile she’s napping instead of working. Piece of advice boo, you probably shouldn’t be making Joao look good.

…and speaking of, that quickly went down the drain when Joao snapped at Jamie shortly after. All is right with the world again.

Later in the day, #Who’sThatStewAgain Brooke decides she has a crush on Adam too. Let’s break this down – she started the charter attached at the hip to her boyfriend, moved on to Jerky Joao (who she told she wanted space), and now declares her lust for Adam. My head hurts from this whiplash. Homegirl is TRYING for a storyline. She’s the Scheana Shay of the Med. (I wonder if Chef Adam can hang a TV in 7 minutes?)

The guests arrive, and they are somehow WORSE than the ones in the first episode (you know, with the red head who looked an awful lot like Madame Medusa from The Rescuers). The charter is immediately ruined because wrong type of tequila was purchased. To me, tequila is tequila. If it has me climbing into carry on measuring bins after a Guns n Roses concert, it’s doing its job no matter what the brand (that may or may not be a true story).

Colin makes one of two appearances on this episode to drop an anchor. Cool.

Lunch rolls around and these guests are still whining about their tequila, and are having some very educated dialogue with Hannah. /sarcasm. See below:

Guest: ‘What’s for lunch?’
Hannah: ‘Chinese chicken salad.’
Guest: ‘But you’re not Chinese!’

The remainder of guests laugh as if this were Joan Rivers reincarnated standing before them. Not sure why they did – that comment was as stupid as it was not funny.

Here’s another gem:

Guest: ‘Is the chicken Kosher?’
Hannah: ‘I’ll find out for you.’
Guest: ‘I don’t eat Kosher.’

One guest complains about the salad, and another asks for a FREAKING ETA on the bottle of tequila that is being FLOWN OUT to them. You read that sentence right, I promise.

Hannah, don’t jump. It will be okay. I promise.

…on second thought, after watching the 200 years it took Kasey to wash ONE DISH, I’ll give you a boost up the railing if you need.

Chef Adam may be joining Hannah on her jump off the boat, as he meets with the guests and Captain Sandy to discuss the dinner menu. The menu started out as a ‘simple’ surf and turf, but then escalates into a pasta dish, mac and cheese, tuna tartare, salad, more steak, and then a birthday cake. I’m also jumping off the boat, because I’m salty these girls can eat this much and look the way they do.

The tequila is now delivered to the boat via tender and I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

Colin finds his way back to the TV to say he now he has a crush on Brooke.  When it comes to guys for her, #It’sAllHappening.

In a much more interesting storyline, the guests are an hour and a half late to dinner (which is getting cold). Adam is mad. I’m sure Brooke finds this attractive. I kind of did too.


Come back next week for another recap!