Welcome to Diana’s Michelin Star Below Deck Med Recap. On tonight’s menu, you can expect to find:

A starter of Captain Sandy blaming Hannah for everything

A main course of Joao antics

A steamy Hannah and Conrad date for dessert

I hope you’re hungry!

We start out with Captain Salty Sandy being ridiculous – she’s letting Joao handle this enormous yacht (I wouldn’t even trust him to valet my car), praising Klueless Kasey, and she has it out for Hannah. Captain is so delusional, that when she confronts Hannah about being upset with Kasey, she didn’t want to discuss Kasey’s lying on her CV. I don’t know what alternate universe we live on where a boss does not want to discuss blatant lies on a resume, but I imagine it’s one where Kasey can make a decent cup of coffee.

Thinking out loud here for a moment. Does being a 3rd Stew on Below Deck require you to have no experience at all? I even feel over qualified. Seriously. I’m noticing a pattern on this series – Chief Stew: Bad ass boss babe, 2nd Stew: practical, organized, sweet, 3rd Stew: What’s the big blue thing we’re floating on? I also feel like every 3rd Stew on this show has complained about how they’re the only ones putting in all the effort. It’s like new money people bragging about how rich they are.

Tonight, the gang is headed off to a Michelin Star Restaurant and Adam has a look on his face that is basically me every time I see Cinderella’s Castle in Disney World.

****BEE DOOOP BEE DOOOP BE DOOOP****

We interrupt this classy college tuition priced dinner for a jerky Joao moment. Joao and Hannah have a little glasses clink moment, and Joaoreyoueffingkiddingme is mad at her because he feels her clink was not very genuine. Let’s take a trip down memory lane for a hot second. You yelled in Hannah’s face and insulted her just a few episodes back, and all of a sudden you want to clink glasses with her like you’re on Sex and the City? Joao is lucky Hannah didn’t dump her wine all over his face (even that would’ve been tame since it’s white and doesn’t stain. But I’m sure Kasey would’ve done his wash. And shrunk his muscle tee.)

Joao further proves he’s a Michelin Star Asshole by telling Hannah that he hopes her sip of wine ‘went down with nails.’ When I paused my TV to type this sentence, it froze on the pic below, which is basically all of us watching this:

But I wish I had a picture of my face for what happened next. As Hannah is venting to Brooke about what just happened, Joao BREAKS A GLASS. I’m talking like it looks like he did it with his mind alla Carrie. Omg Adam, don’t ever cook with pig on this yacht again…

After that incident, two of our crew members are not only DUMB ENOUGH to get in the van with Joao, but they’re fighting for his affection??!??? I know I said I found Adam attractive when he was getting angsty a few blogs back, but I draw the line at shards of glass flying at my face. #DifferentStrokesforDifferentFolks.

Joao must have realized what a complete moron he looks like, because now he’s trying to be the moral compass of the show and stop Hannah from taking a pic with Brooke while she’s sleeping because ‘Brooke can’t speak for herself.’ The guy who has spent every episode trying to figure out to sleep with Kasey who has made it explicitly clear she’s celibate, is now giving us a lesson in consent. Barf.

Joao just called Hannah a bunch of words that are even offensive to me…but I’m glad he’s at least holding a plastic glass at this point. We’re on the way back to the yacht and somehow the editors felt the need to tell us how Kasey wants ‘someone who will fight for her.’ I think Joao just proved that he’s all for fighting – just don’t include champagne flutes on your bridal registry, Kasey.

Time to prep for the next charter! As we’re getting ready (I say that as if I somehow am actively involved in this, but I’m currently sitting in my bed in my silky Primark PJ set that I got for $14), Adam compares Hannah and Conrad to how his own situation with Malia ‘I’m so Pretty’ White last season, and the only good thing about this is that I got to see Adam with his longer hair.

Later that night, Hannah and Conrad FINALLY go on their date, and I’m so rooting for it to not be like every other Below Deck date (i.e.: Raquel and Emile, EJ and Baker, Chef Matt and Bri). Thank God it isn’t! This date is actually going so well, it’s giving me a bit of false hope for my own love life. Okay, that’s pushing it.

The morning of the charter, Adam is feeling so #Inspired by his dining experience at the Michelin Star Restaurant, that he decides to have a meeting with the interior crew about how he wants his service to go. I for some reason instantly think of that scene in Toy Story, where Woody is giving the toys the rundown on moving plans. Hannah is Bo Peep, Brooke is Slinky Dog, and Kasey is Rex. You figure out why.

We set sail, and it looks like these guests have attended the same Michelin Star Asshole School that Joao did – they’re being color specific about GUM BALLS. They don’t want all white gum balls, they want a mix of colored ones. First of all, I’m still trying to figure out how gum balls are a favorite snack for these folks. They don’t taste good, you don’t actually eat anything, and my TMJ is flaring up just watching them chew. But this is probably why the charter guests look as good as they do, and I am going to look like a potato in Miami in 2 weeks. Hey, does that make me Mr. Potato Head in Adam’s little Toy Story Meeting? It does now.

I just had to rewind my TV to make sure I heard something right. And I sadly did. Adam just put pineapple on a pizza. As an FBI (Full Blooded Italian), this is a deal breaker for me. Sorry, Adam. I have to call our romantic relationship in my mind quits. You’re really broken up over it too, in my mind. You’ll be okay.

Later on, Jamie discovers Colin has a thing for Brooke. Colin, either enroll in Michelin Star Asshole school, or end that dream now. You’re essentially the Anti-Joao, and that’s a turn off for Brooke.

Captain Salty Sandy is mad that 2 of her Senior Deck Crew Members are dating, saying they need to be professional. This is the same woman who found nothing wrong with Wes choosing Malia as his lead deckhand last season…yup. Completely professional and not hypocritical at all.

It’s dinner time, and the guests are angry their food is late. So angry, that one guest goes down to the galley to voice his frustration. Adam is not happy. It’s cute…maybe I will take him back in our relationship in my mind.

FIN.

Till next week!

Diana